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Official remarks from the Misanthropy Foundation Fundraiser.

Keep it going for the band! Or don’t! I know how annoying that is. It’s like, we already clapped, right? Why do we have to do it again? Besides, did you hear what they were playing? Some garbage pop music. Who booked a cover band? I would never have ‘okayed’ this—I guess that’s what I get for delegating things instead of doing them myself.

That said, I’m so proud of what we’ve accomplished in our first year with the Misanthropy Foundation, the world’s only non-profit organization dedicated to making life harder for all the idiots on this planet, and hopefully teaching them a lesson or two in the process. It’d be an added bonus, but let’s be honest—there’s just no changing some people.

Anyway, I’m just here in an official capacity as the foundation’s president to give a short speech and then get off the stage, because we’ve got a fun night planned with this fundraiser, and overly long speeches are unbearably indulgent. Like I always say: Keep it simple! Or, admit you’re a self-centered narcissist who just wants to hear the sound of his own stupid voice! Pete knows what I’m talking about! Is Pete here? No? He stayed home? That’s totally fair—parties are such a drag.

As our first year comes to a close, I’d like to take a look back at what we’ve been able to accomplish. Because I’m so impressed by what this scrappy start-up has been able to do, and also because those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it (taking the hint, elected officials? I doubt it!).

In our first few months, we ran dozens of small talk disruption workshops, teaching participants how to effectively neutralize questions like, “How are you?” and “What have you been up to lately?” by actively engaging them with serious conversation. Who wants to talk about the weather when the PLANET IS DYING?! Have you heard about superstorms?! (And seriously—do you realize how inept our elected officials are? It’s like they haven’t read a single book on the fall of Rome.)

Beyond that, our social media team had been absolutely great, or as much as you can be for a group of people whose only skill is literally just messing around on Twitter. They haven’t been doing any community building or general outreach (and why would you? People are terrible!), but they have been doing an amazing job correcting grammatical missteps and just generally trolling.

Towards the end of our first year, we were also able to hire a new staff member! Many of you have heard Harper’s name thrown around, but may not have actually met him. This is because Harper doesn’t actually work in the office, and simply spends 40 hours a week in other offices, noticing when an employee’s negligence causes another employee to have to do way more work, which we all know is the worst. Then he publicly berates them, before moving to the next location. He also hangs around married couples, party planners, and any group of people doing a group project. Honestly, I wish he’d circle back around to our office, if you know what I mean—or who I mean (if you don’t, it’s probably you, Kyle).

All this, with such little funding! Despite constantly emailing, calling, and creating grassroots engagement, we did not meet a single fundraising goal! This is to be expected though—people are the absolute dregs of the universe, and we wouldn’t be here otherwise. Do you remember what it used to be like? All of us sitting in our separate apartments, stewing with rage at all the stupid people in the world? Well, no longer. We’ve got big plans for the future. We’re hoping that within the next quarter, we’ll be able to afford a nationwide ad campaign, playing PSAs during all the most popular prime time shows, to inform the audience how bad the show they’re watching is. Have you even watched The Wire? Let me answer that for you: No, you haven’t, because you’re still watching TV.

Be sure to stick around for the silent auction (finally, people will stop babbling at you for 20 minutes, right?)! We’ve got a bunch of great items donated from some lovely people, most of whom have just donated a 10 minute block in which you can tell them how you really feel.

For now, eat, and enjoy the catered meals! Remember, we’re not here to cure world hunger, but we will definitely make you feel guilty about income inequality after you finish. Anyway, have a great rest of your night! I’m finally getting out of here—I can’t stand you people!

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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