Miniprompt: What’s Wrong with My Fanbase? NFL TEAMS EDITION

For 16 weeks a year—longer if we’re lucky—we ride or die for our football teams. We root for touchdowns. We root against concussions. And we root with a bunch of other idiots who kind of embarrass us, if we’re honest. 

John Papageorgiou – Washington Redskins Fan

I’m a Redskins fan. The fact that one of our ranks haven’t sacked up and assassinated Dan Snyder means we deserve all that we get.

Kelaine Conochan – New York Jets Fan

What’s wrong with Jets fans is that we can’t even like our team, honestly. What’s to like? Our front office is a bunch of mooks. Our team is too bad at football to be resistant to haters. And on offense, we never know whether it’s our QB, O-line, or receivers who are terrible. The answer is likely all of the above.

The point is, Jets fans know too much. We know our team sucks. We know Todd Bowles will probably be fired and that Sam Darnold probably won’t pan out. We know Woody Johnson is about as good as good of an owner as he is an Ambassador. And yet, we’re too obnoxious to be lovable losers. I mean, can you even imagine what it’d be like if the Jets won a Super Bowl? Would anyone ever hear the end of it?

Also, for the record, NFL fans are the fattest.

Erin Vail – Buffalo Bills Fan

What’s wrong with being a Buffalo Bills fan is also what’s most right: the passion. The flaming, table-breaking videos that many people send me, week after week, asking A) if I had seen them, B) if that was my family, and C) if they are my people.

The answer to A and C is yes. Sometimes, I’m ashamed that people associate me with drunk idiots who jump from great heights into table infernos for no other purpose than to cause bodily harm and to go viral on the internet.

However, I do get the appeal of the table break. I just don’t like how Bills fans—a tight knit community with unrivaled passion, compassion, and intensity—get lost in the sea of tailgate videos. So yes, they are my people, and sometimes, we suck, and that is what we’re known for. Not ideal. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

For those still wondering, the answer to B – if my family has appeared in a table break video – is (so far) no. The closest someone has come is me, breaking my foot in the stadium, celebrating a sack at a preseason game.

Can the draft come any sooner?

Josh Bard – New England Patriots Fan

I am a Boston sports fan and that comes with a whole set of baggage, most of it matches, all of it white.

Growing up we did not win much, but then we drafted a beautifully perfect Westworld QB robot, the Yankees choked, the Red Sox broke a curse, and Boston sports became a veritable industry leader. For many of us who were factory set to pessimism, this new success was easy to love, hard to adjust to, and complicated to deal with. The result? Extreme cockiness. Unbearable volume. And incredible defensiveness. First we turned on our opponents (Boston vs the world), then on ourselves (Pink hats!), and finally onto the media (ESPN is the only opponent Pats fans worry about).

On behalf of a city, state, and region, I am sorry. But also, I am obviously not sorry, too.

Mike Stiriti – New England Patriots Fan

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