There was a time when Santa’s look was so distinct that kids across the globe could not possibly mistake him for some imposter. But these days, his signature red suit, pom-pom hat, and white beard are everywhere. So, Santa’s going for a new look this season for the main event. We asked our staff to reimagine Santa’s look.
SANTA! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
This year, Santas everywhere are goin’ blue. Gone are the arcane red suits, the cherub cheeks, the corn-cob pipes. After months of intense, high-altitude training, slimmed-down Kringles in malls all across the country are donning the sleek, high-tech, cobalt-blue-and-black flight suits of the all-powerful, omni-present – BLUE ORIGIN!
Santa’s heart rate, vitals, respiration, and even toileting requirements are constantly monitored and managed as he single-handedly oversees the planet’s biggest seasonal logistics and supply-chain challenge. Lines of kids at the mall will climb up onto Santa’s knee and learn that it no longer matters if you’re naughty or nice, as long as your parents have Amazon Prime. And no more flying down the steps on Christmas Day… one of Santa’s trusty elves is sure to land a four-wheeled sleigh in the driveway with everything we asked for, every day of every week.
As Santa looks to update his look, he’s going back to basic. When his suit was first designed, the combination of red velvet, white fur, and black leather was the epitome of class and style. Now, as he finds himself to be a walking PETA violation replicated a million times over, he is thinking of class and style in modern terms: a double-breasted suit with vegan leather shoes. Crafted by couture elves, the suit will be made of the finest materials, as well as those that are those most enduring and expandable for that long Christmas delivery day. As he is Santa, he still will have his red flair in the form of shimmery sequins adorning the suit coat, and his trademark cap, which will be enhanced with a fiberoptic pom pom that will glow red to green.
Woo doesn’t want this coming down their chimney in the middle of the night?
Like the rest of us, Santa realizes he can do his job in the clothes in which he rolled out of bed.
Forget the red suit. Santa is shimmying down chimneys this year in roomy sweatpants and a college hoodie with a huge pizza stain in the center.
Hey everybody, remember 2014? Yeah okay, things weren’t perfect, but can we all agree they were better than now?
Something we all enjoyed wayyy back when, was Ryan Gosling wearing a Macauley Culkin t-shirt. Naturally, Macauley Culkin went meta and wore a t-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a Macauley Culkin t-shirt. Whether the gag persisted for two more levels is a question of reality or Photoshop; either way, I want to see 2021 Santa Claus in a version of this t-shirt under a fitted crimson velvet blazer, black lapels.
“…And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
His outfit slayed, as he moved ‘cross the mortar,
With a runway strut worthy of Billy Porter.
Then I heard him exclaim, when I woke from my dream,
“Happy Christmas to all; it’s now Twenty Fourteen.”