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We’ve heard rumors that Facebook is doing a rebrand, renaming itself in hopes that we (and Congress) won’t remember all the awful things they did. So we asked our staff to pitch their ideas… What would YOU rename Facebook?

Josh Bard

Welcome to BurnBook.

Facebook’s new rebrand comes as a collabo taken straight from the like minded demonic stylings of Regina George and Mark Zuckerberg. A forum for your worst thoughts about others, a distribution center for news with an agenda-laced tilt, and that same convenient reminder of your “friends’” birthdays you didn’t want to store in your head because you needed room for those new Drake lyrics.

Sarah Razner

Fakebook. From the way people curate their lives to the misinformation and conspiracy theories that can be—and have been—spread through the platform, there’s a lot of fakeness going around.

Mike Taylor

The Menlo Park Website. If your absurdly generic name is the butt of all the jokes, people will forget about your systematic disregard for young women’s mental wellbeing, your fostering of racist attitudes, and your generalized culture of borderline criminality… just ask The Washington Football Team.

Sydney Walters

Too easy. I’d name it iSpy.

Jillian Conochan

Can we just hit Ctrl+Alt+Del on this millennium and go back to Y2K? We can launch TheFacebook in 2004 as planned, and keep it as a little campus slambook.

Michael Maiello

Like Jillian, I think they should be forced to go back to being called The Facebook. Unlike Jillian, I think its only function should be, as intended, for its 2.9 billion users to rate the hotness/notness of Harvard students. If this seems cruel to you, you’re just a better person than I am.

Keven Balderas

Facebook should be rebranded, in an instant and without forewarning, as El Libro de Caras, which is Spanish for “the book of faces,” international manufacturer of silicone masks for the film industry. And while the public scratches their heads wondering why one of the world’s most valuable companies has made the most audacious marketing pivot since Andrew Carnegie refashioned U.S. Steel in three days into the maker of Steelio’s (America’s most beloved whole grain and iron-infused cereal), Mr. Zuckerberg ought to take the time to pen a most well-mannered letter to Justin Timberlake and Sean Parker to get them to return to the company and help him out as they helped out Jesse Eisenberg in the mid-2000s.

Kelaine Conochan

That Horrible Little Website. I know Facebook is not really a “little website.” I know it’s actually the primary way that billions of people connect to the internet across the globe. But isn’t it adorable to rename this monolithic beast—which has gobbled up its competitors and civilized discourse in a few small bites—something so quaint and charming? I mean, That Horrible Little Website sounds like something you’d call your bratty nephew. Sure, he’s disrupting the entire world order, but he’s mostly harmless! He’s just going through a phase! It’ll pass!

Jay Heltzer

  1. MeSpace – Facebook was based on MySpace. Everything that gets posted there is all about “Me!”
  2. The Hub, as in “What’s all the hubbub, Bub?” Someone is talking about something important to themselves. Surely it’s important to you too, right? Your mileage may vary.
  3. Opine – Everything is an opinion anyway. “I hate…,” “Blahblah is the best…” Good for you.
  4. GoReadABook – ‘nuff said.

Heather Shaff

SURFACEbook. Because appearances are everything.

Eric Mochnacz

The Boomer Misinformation Network.

I’ve always valued truth in advertising, and let’s be real. Facebook is no longer a fun social network that requires a .edu email address. It’s now where all our older, right wing, drunk aunts and uncles “do their research” just to make everyone cry at Thanksgiving dinner…

…while spreading COVID (and misinformation) because Tucker Carlson and Newsmax and Marjorie Taylor Greene have been screaming “Fauci won’t ruin the holidays with my family” for the past two years…

…But then share a meme demanding we “BE KIND” to others.

Okay, Boomer. Maybe log off, stop watching Fox News and play Candy Crush for a few hours.

Zuckerberg?  More like Fucker-berg, amirite?

Got a better idea? Chime in on the conversation on Twitter @thepromptmag!

The Prompt Staff

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