My alarm goes off. I hit STOP instead of SNOOZE, because the two are right next to one another and the iPhone must find some little way to be bullshit. But I wake up in time anyway, because I drank a lot of juice last night.
Me – 1 The World – 0
It’s Friday, so I get to wear jeans to the office.
Me – 2 The World – 0
I look out the window. The sky is a gray sheet of cloud, like fondant for a Vincent Price birthday cake. I look at my weather app and see zero percent chance of rain. I put on my jacket and leave, walk down the hallway, get on the elevator, go down to the lobby, and walk out of my building. It is definitely drizzling.
Me – 2 The World – 1
I decide not to go back upstairs to grab an umbrella since I’m already cutting it close, and it doesn’t seem like a heavy drizzle. It’s more of a mist, I think. Two blocks later, I acknowledge that I have bullshat myself. This is legit drizzle. Since it is casual Friday, I also wore my Chuck Taylors, and they are soaked.
Me – 2 The World – 2
I live real close to the Metro, and my station is covered.
Me – 3 The World – 2
I can’t get on the next train because it’s too crowded.
Me – 3 The World – 3
Five people get off of the train after, and I squeeze in. An attractive person’s butt is pressed against my hip. I’m going to count this as a positive.
Me – 4 The World – 3
I check Tinder.
Me – 4 The World – 4
One stop from my office, an old, white man can’t get on the train. Several people tell him it’s full. He stands in the doorway. The doors hit his shoulders and the voice tells him to step back. “Some of you need to move to the center of the car!” His voice isn’t filled with anger, just the confidence that he is the defacto group leader of everyone on the train. The doors hit his shoulders again. “Move to the center of the car, other people have to get on!” “It’s full, man. Wait for the next one.” The doors hit him again. He refuses to not be on this train. He keeps blocking the door. There is a fight. The train is off-loaded.
Me – 4 The World – 5
The platform looks like what Trump thinks his inauguration looked like: crowded. I decide to walk. I go into Walgreens to buy a $15 piece of shit umbrella.
Me – 4 The World – 6
They have buy-one-get-one-free king size Milky Way Dark.
Me – 5 The World – 6
On the way to my office, my socks become wet and squishy.
Me – 5 The World – 7
When I get to the office, Devin has just made coffee. Devin makes the best coffee.
Me – 6 The World – 7
And he tells me that The Boss left a week early for Thanksgiving.
Me – 7 The World – 7
Franklin comes around my cubicle with some catalogue (his generous word, not mine) for his kid’s school’s fundraiser, and do I want to buy a holiday tin of shortbread cookies?
Me – 7 The World – 8
“No.” “Why not?” “Because, Franklin, shortbread cookies are disgusting at standard retail price. And the ones you are selling cost double that. I do not want to spend $20 on 10 gross cookies.” “But it’s for my kid’s school.”
“Did someone say shortbread cookies?” It’s Margot. “Yeah, I’m selling them for my kid’s school fundraiser.” “I’ll take some. Are you buying some, Billy?” “No, he says they’re disgusting and overpriced.” “Come on, Billy, it’s a fundraiser.” Margot looks at me like I’m the goddamned Grinch.
Me – 7 The World – 9
“Hey, Billy. Don’t forget about that conference call in 10 minutes.”
Me – 7 The World – 10
Everyone on the conference call is on their shit, so no one has to scramble at the end after realizing that they have contributed nothing. It ends quickly… for a conference call.
Me – 8 The World – 10
Since my boss is gone, everyone starts to trickle out around 3 P.M. and by 3:30 we are all out at a bar.
Me – 9 The World – 10
It’s karaoke night.
Me – 9 The World – 11
Lorraine from HR sings “Strawberry Wine.”
Me – 9 The World – 12
After three Long Island Iced Teas, I’m now glad that it’s a karaoke bar.
Me – 10 The World – 12
They have the one rap song that I know really well, so I put my name in.
Me – 11 The World – 12
Everyone is really impressed that I’m going to sing. I now seem like “the fun office dude.”
Me – 12 The World – 12
Antoine buys me a drink to “really get rid of my stage fright.”
Me – 13 The World – 12
The wait is long enough that I finish that drink and have another. And then my name is called. The opening bars of my song come on and the crowd loves it. The place is actually packed and they’re cheering for me and my song.
Me – 14 The World – 12
I forgot that this song has the N-word in it.
Me – 14 The World – 13
I replace it with “fellas.”
Me – 15 The World – 13
I exit the stage to thunderous applause. My coworkers are impressed. They declare that I should go again.
Me – 16 The World – 13
I put my name in again. The DJ says I can’t go again that quickly. “That’s fine, just move me to the back of the line.” “Sorry, dude, I can’t take your slip. Try again in 20.” “That’s bullshit. I’ve seen you bump up people after they’ve slipped you money. That douche-bro in boat shoes has done two *NSYNC songs AND Crazytown!” “You need to back off man.” “Where’s your integrity?!”
I am grabbed from behind, not by my coworkers who are going to help me avoid causing a scene, but by a man who looks like a muscular thumb. I am dragged from the bar. My coworkers watch, horrified from our booth.
Me – 16 The World – 14
I text my coworkers to come outside, since I’m not allowed back in. I get no response.
Me – 16 The World – 15
I go to the bar next door, grab a stool and order a beer. I play on my phone for 20 minutes and order another round. A lady next to me starts hitting on me.
Me – 17 The World – 15
She tells me that she’s been cut off and that I should order her drinks. She is very loud and the staff informs me that I will be kicked out if give her alcohol.
Me – 17 The World – 16
She throws up on me.
Me – 17 The World – 17
So, I leave. No cabs stop for me, since I am covered in a significant amount of vomit.
Me – 17 The World – 18
I decide to get a Lyft, so I take out my phone. Since I spent 20 minutes on it at the last bar and didn’t charge it during the day, it dies before I can request the ride.
Me – 17 The World – 18
I miss the last Metro train.
Me – 17 The World – 19
I take a bikeshare home.
Me – 17 The World – 20
I have never ridden a bike while drunk. It is much harder than you would think. Especially with someone else’s sick on your jacket wafting up in your face.
Me – 17 The World – 21
The bike I took is one of the new ones that you don’t have to dock, so I can just leave it in front of my apartment.
Me – 18 The World – 21
When I get to my door, I realize that my keys are not in my pocket. I don’t know if they are in my apartment or if I lost them during the day, the night, or on my bike ride home. I have no way of getting inside, so I sit on the front step and hope someone comes by.
Me – 18 The World – 22
It is very cold
Me – 18 The World – 23
I fall asleep. The temperature drops below freezing and since none of my neighbors have socials lives that would bring them in or out of the building between 3 A.M. and 8 A.M. on a Saturday morning, I die of hypothermia.
Me – 18 The World – 24
I am standing in a line of people. We are surrounded by mist. I ask the guy in front of me what’s going on. He says that we have to wait. “Wait for what?” “Just wait.” “But why would I wait if I don’t know what I’m waiting for? Why are we in line?” “Just wait,” he says. “I don’t need to be in this line.” “Ssssshh. Just wait. It will be worth it.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’ll regret not waiting.”
Alarms go off. Four beings that I instantly recognize as angels swoop down from above.
“All profanity results in immediate removal from the premises and a transfer.”
I fall through the ground I have been standing on and land in a new line, surrounded by burning rocks.
Me – 0 The Afterlife – 1