{Me Against} TV’s Top-Rated Show (An Argument Articulated in GIFs)

I am alone.

*scribble scribble*

Yes, that’s more like it.

I admit, I’m not known to make conventional choices (see: devotion to BlackBerry; a distaste for everything from balsamic vinegar to The Golden Girls). But there’s one thing in particular that makes me feel more detached from society than a solitary tumbleweed blowing through a barren landscape,

sadder than an emo Joseph Gordon Levitt contemplating how can one be simultaneously among people whilst also totally isolated?

Guys, how tf did Happy Endings get canceled after three seasons, and The Big Bang Theory is 11 going on 12 with a spinoff?

I know.

If you hate comedy; joyous things, you may have slept on Happy Endings, the most unsung TV show of all time. Twenty-two minutes of fast-paced wit dished out by idiosyncratic characters, Happy Endings is more unbridled than New Girl but not quiiite as much as 30 Rock. So long as your taste for comedy falls somewhere on that spectrum—and doesn’t require a laugh track to cue you to ha-ha—it’s worth asking for a Hulu subscription for the holidays so you can catch up on a show whose cancellation Vulture called one of the “worst TV decisions.”

The three-guy, three-gal format probably owes homage to Friends, kind of like how an Emirates A380 owes homage to a kite, because it also flies and came first.

Oh snap, Happy Endings also begins with a bride-leaving-groom-at-the-altar scenario. And then there’s that whole…

Some Basic Math

{New Girl,  30 Rock} + Friends > Big Bang Theory
∴ Happy Endings > Big Bang Theory

 Let’s dive in with a character study.

Alex Kerkovich

Elisha Cuthbert slays as Alex, whose addiction to ribs—procured from a hole in the wall known as Bone Town—belies her rockin’ bod. In other rock-related news, Alex is dumb as ’em. Or is she? In The Marry Prankster, Alex pulls a Keyser Soze and outfoxes the whole gang.

Jane Kerkovich-Williams

Controlling-

Sorry. Aggressively helpful Jane (Eliza Coupe) is Alex’s older sister and leader of the friend group, mostly on account of her Type A personality. Jane’s a cutthroat competitor, whether she’s partaking in the annual scavenger hunt or trying to find a work-husband because her real husband has a work-wife. Which brings us to…

Brad Williams

What do you get when you mix Damon Wayans with a gorgeous dancer?

Damon Wayans Jr., who couldn’t be more lovable in his role as Brad. Investment banker by day, CFO (that’s Chief Fun Officer) by a different day, Brad is devoted as he is animated. Brad’s the Bey to Jane’s Jay, the -com to Alex’s rom, the Migos to Dave and Max’s amigos.

Dave Rose

Dave and Alex’s failed-but-still-friendly wedding is the pilot episode of the series. Dave (Zachary Knighton) is sensitive and predates the term #woke, so it comes as no surprise when this blonde-haired, blue-eyed v-neck aficionado actually turns out to be part Navajo. He’s a seasoned cook whose ambitions culminate in his food truck, Steak Me Home Tonight. Perhaps not the manliest man, Dave got put on blast when he tried to fix a squeaky kitchen cabinet.

“You used butter and then you tried to make croissants and didn’t have enough butter and then screamed into a brown bag.”

Max Blum

Happy Endings’ resident slacker, Max oft has time to think deep thoughts, such as:

The only gay guy (and yet, the least stereotypically gay of the 3), ex-girlfriend Penny’s description, a “straight dude who likes dudes,” says it best. Max takes on odd jobs like limo driver and, along with Brad, one half of bar mitzvah act Boyz II Menorah. When Mark-Paul Gosselaar guest appears in an arc as Max’s roommate, he concludes that Max’s life is so pathetic it’s “un-sabotagable.”

We ♥️ him anyway.

Penny Hartz

The Big Bang Theory never bothered to give their Penny a last name. That is, until she married the main character.

Isn’t that a little… manic pixie dream girl?

Happy Endings’ Penny Hartz, on the other hand, is an independent woman. And while she may embody the “bubbly, shallow cinematic creature” aspects of the MPDG trope, her existence is much greater than simply to teach emo Joseph Gordon Levitt types how to live their best lives. Penny, played by Casey Wilson, is a publicist extraordinaire, a career that she couldn’t be better suited for, teeing up phrases like “suh cute” and “whore’s bath” for meme culture and helping Alex capitalize on a new demographic for her boutique. Sure, she’s a little clumsy, and there was that time she became an accidental hipster. But one of these years will surely be The Year of Penny, because, in a word, she’s

In Conclusion

The GIFs have spoken.

Sorry, Sheldon. Your goose is cooked.