It’s May, not March. And it’s the NBA Playoffs, not the NCAAs. But let’s be real—there’s never a bad time for a bracket challenge. In honor of our #HAIR writing prompt, and because being bald is all the rage, we’re breaking out the OFFICIAL bald bracket, sorted and seeded into four categorical regions:
Who will make the Final Four? Whose bald head will wear the crown?
It’s simple! Print the PDF if pen and paper is more your thing, or work directly in Excel. Then, tweet us your completed brackets so we can argue about which of these contenders is the best and the baldest.
Lots of tough picks for the at-large bids trying to make it into the Round of 64. But the First Four also offers the most hilarious of all match-ups in the tourney: Mini Me vs. a Five-Star General who later became President of the United States. It’s a tough call, but I Like Ike.
Cueballs are the truest of the true balds: shiny, clean, and smooth down to the dome. Michael Jordan enters as the No. 1 overall seed in the tourney, hoping to come out as the G.O.A.T. in both NBA and bald history. But before staking his claim, he’ll take on some true powerhouses, including Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson, and Bruce Willis. But watch out for No. 2 Pitbull who never shies away from the spotlight. Dále!
The baldies in the horseshoe region want you to know what might have been if they held onto their hair. They keep a little grassy perimeter, just to keep it interesting. This region does not disappoint; it includes the bald eagle, Uncle Phil and Doctor Phil, and all the old white sports commentators you can imagine. Get ready for some real conniving horseplay if George Costanza (1) takes on his creator, Larry David (4) in the Sweet Sixteen.
With some softer baldies like Charlie Brown, the Monopoly Guy, and the Six Flags Guy, you might think the Fictional region is a cake walk. But don’t sleep on Dr. Evil or He Who Must Not Be Named, who is bringing the entire Dark Arts. But perhaps the most terrifying of all is the one who knocks: Walter White himself.
There are so many good balds that you just can’t cram them into three regions. Sometimes, you have to get creative and spiritual if you want to work the Dalai Lama into your tournament. The otherbaldly region is stacked with FOUR ladies not afraid to shave their dome, including No. 2 seed Britney Spears who is a total wildcard. You want to try to predict the offense when she’s slamming an umbrella into your car window? Didn’t think so.
Created with guidance and input from Sean Glynn, and deep gratitude to Zack Carr, our #powerbald inspiration.