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How to Masturbate as a Pre-Teen
Take a shower. Wash yourself as usual (no funny business).
Once you have gotten out of the shower, wrap the towel around your waist.
Go to your room.
Become distracted by something—an action figure or a book, perhaps.
While you air-dry, move around enough to loosen your towel.
Let your towel drop/fall off at some point.
Realize that you have never just hung out naked in your room. It feels strange, yet enjoyable.
Drape the towel across your lap and sit down on your bed to read/play with Rubik’s Cube or Gameboy.
Notice the feeling of the towel draped across your lap. That’s pretty nice how the roughness of the fabric caresses you.
Stand up, let the towel fall, and see what else feels nice caressing you.
Freak out when your mom yells “What’s taking your so long to get ready?”
How to Masturbate as an Early Teenager
Does your sister subscribe to Delia’s Catalogue?
Say no more, fam.
If not, get one for yourself. This is easier if your name has a “female” version.
Denise William? Weird. *runs to room*
How to Masturbate as a Teenager in High School
Double the length of your showers.
Demand that you need a box of tissues for your room, because it’s allergy season.
Explain your newfound need to lock the bathroom door as a result of a sudden onset of paranoia that someone will walk in on you “pooping.”
Take daily bathroom breaks during math class.
Get extra napkins from the Arby’s drive-thru and park at the end of an incomplete road in a new housing development.
Ask your girlfriend if it’s okay, after she tells you that she doesn’t want to have sex.
Realize that one of your socks has a hole in it, and think of it as recycling.
How to Masturbate in Your College Dorm
Take a shower. Wear shower shoes.
Memorize your roommate’s schedule.
Move extra slow, so as to not rock the bunks. Regret stacking the beds.
How to Masturbate in Your 20s in Your Own Place
Memorize your roommate’s schedule.
Ask your girlfriend if it’s okay, after she tells you that she doesn’t want to have sex.
Buy your own damn box of tissues.
Take a shower. Don’t wear shower shoes.
How to Masturbate in Your 30s in Your Own Place Without Roommates
Become bored. Unzip your pants. So, what if you’re in the kitchen?
How to Masturbate in Your 30s, Married
Take a shower. Don’t wear shower shoes.
Memorize your roommate’s schedule.
Avoid eye contact with the dog.
Tell your wife that it’s okay if she’s not in the mood.
How to Masturbate in Your 40s, Married with Children
Um…work from home and buy Viagra? [will update as experience accumulates]
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