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This morning, it was announced Maroon 5 will headline this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. This is an epic disappointment for football and music fans everywhere. However, as a noted Maroon 5 fan who once had this poster taped to my ceiling, I have some notes on what their setlist should be.

Opening: “Makes Me Wonder”

You gotta open with an upbeat banger. This is probably the best M5 song to run to, it’s fast-paced and people will recognize it, but it’s not Maroon 5’s biggest hit. It’s a little old at this point  (from Maroon 5’s second album) but nothing else from their early discography will really set the tone for the Super Bowl’s energy level.

Song 2: “Maps/One More Night/Sugar/Moves Like Jagger

Some kind of mashup goes here. You can’t do a Super Bowl halftime show without a mashup. Maroon 5 has a string of recent pop-heavy, somewhat synthy jams that would work well with some kind of lights-confetti-fog-laser situation. They’re all kind of trash, but I know every word. Moms will go crazy for this.

Song 3: “Girls Like You” feat. Cardi B

Adam Levine, I beg you. Please bring out Cardi B. No offense, but you can’t do this show on your own. You need some ladies up there. You need some non-white people up there. This is an easy win across the board. People LOVE surprise guest appearances, people LOVE Cardi B., and people will love seeing not you.

Song 4: “This Love”

GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. What they want is “Songs About Jane.” If Maroon 5 doesn’t do “This Love,” what is the point of them doing the halftime show? There is none. However, they can’t close with this. It’s not enough.

Closing: “She Will Be Loved” into “If I Never See Your Face Again” feat. Rihanna

They can’t *not* do “She Will Be Loved,” but I think it would be best as an intro to something more high-powered. So… REMEMBER WHEN MAROON 5 AND RIHANNA DID A SONG? BECAUSE I DO. Rihanna is bigger than Maroon 5 now. Rihanna is an icon, a saint, a legend, a goddess. Share the stage with other artists, make everyone happy. Bring down the house! End the show by kneeling on stage!

In conclusion, I’d like to apologize to the nation for Maroon 5’s upcoming Super Bowl halftime show performance. And dear God, Adam Levine, DO NOT DYE YOUR HAIR BLONDE AGAIN.

Erin Vail

Erin is the 2003 West Reading Elementary Geography Bee champion, a TV obsessive, and never not thinking about Buffalo sports.

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