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Welcome to The Year of the Pig! Want to see what’s in store for you in 2019? Read this year’s Chinese Zodiac Calendar. And when you find your birth year and sign on the calendar below, you’ll know just what’s on the menu.

The Pig

(1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019)

2019 is the Year of the Pig, so it’s all about you! Focus on your goals and there’s no way you’ll be denied. Celebrate your-pig-self by enjoying a downhome classic: Marie Callender’s signature thick, juicy, Country Fried Pork smothered in Gravy!

The Rat

(1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008)

The year 2019 will be one of happiness and prosperity for the Rat. And what says happiness better than Creamy Vermont Mac & Cheese? Indulge yourself. It’s only 570 calories per serving!

The Ox

(1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009)

This is a good year for an Ox, filled with opportunities to make and save money. How about saving money with an affordable can of rich, warm Classic Chicken & Rice Soup?

The Tiger

(1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010)

Tigers are strong and independent, but this year, you’ll need to learn how work well with others. Can you think of a better way to start than sharing a delicious Family Size Chicken Pot Pie? Maybe with your sister Debra, who deserves a second chance?

The Rabbit

(1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011)

Opportunities await the Rabbit in 2019! If you lower your guard, you will get closer to others and make new friends. At least, that’s what you’ll think. These new “friends” will inevitably betray you. Better to play it safe. Stay at home and enjoy the one thing that’s never let you down… the Mini Key Lime Pie from Marie Callender.

The Dragon

(1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012)

For the Dragon, the impact of the Pig’s calmness will mean a year of reconsiderations. Like, what the hell you were doing with Darryl. For 10 long, wasted years. In which your body sagged and dried up. But you know what isn’t dry? Salisbury Steak. As moist as a decade’s uncried tears.

The Rooster

(1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017)

This year, Roosters need to pay attention to the quality of their relationships. Start by figuring out if you have any real ones. Steal a legal pad from work. Write down the names of anyone in your phone who you’ve actually seen in-person over the past year. Try to remember the last time it felt like you had a social life. Try to remember what it was like before you had kids. Before you lived in Charlotte. Back when you wanted to be something. Back when life was sweet. Like a Marie Callender’s Southern Pecan Pie.

The Snake

(1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013)

Bad news—2019 won’t be a picnic for Snakes. You’ll need to be combative and persuasive to make it through. Stick to your guns! Maybe buy a gun. Everyone’s got one these days. You’re a good guy. You won’t misuse it. You won’t rest it on your thigh while you sit outside your ex’s new husband’s house. Buy the gun, but stay in for the night, enjoying a healthier option… like low-calorie Baked Turkey Meatloaf with Roasted Red Pepper Tomato Sauce.

The Horse

(1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014)

The Year of the Pig is going to be more auspicious than last year for Horses. That’s not saying much, though. You’re still swimming in debt. You still pick up shifts at Houlihan’s. You and Mikaela don’t have sex anymore. You’re about to get dropped from your parents’ health insurance. You’ve had a sinus infection for months. You feel like you have no money or time to do anything. Thank God for affordable, microwavable Grilled Chicken Alfredo Bake!

The Goat

(1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015)

The Goat is going places in 2019! Your career is poised to really take off. That is, as long as nobody catches you stealing other people’s food in the break room fridge. Why do you do it? It’s not like you can’t afford things. It’s just impulse. You get a thrill from the rush. You want to see how long it can go on before you get caught. Does anyone suspect? You need to feel alive again, flush, blood running hot. It’s almost sexual. But is it worth getting fired? Bring a Marie Callender’s Sweet & Sour Chicken from home, instead.

The Monkey

(1921,1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017)

A year under the influence of chance! Monkeys should roll the dice with Marie Callender’s Cheesy Chicken & Rice in 2019. It just might give you Salmonella Serotype Chester, like those 44 people got, back in 2010. I mean, I didn’t want to say anything at first, but you could stand to lose a few pounds. It’s worth the risk, fatty. There were no reported deaths!

The Dog

(1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018)

Nothing’s going to change. Except the climate. Give up. Stuff your face with salt-cream-garbage and binge-watch something to take your mind off the inevitable. Don’t bother to recycle the tray.

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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