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Dear Mr. Lo,

Thank you, once again, for all of your letters to and support for the Make-A-Wish Foundation®. We pride ourselves on fulfilling the wishes of children with life-threatening illnesses, and while we sympathize with your situation now, still, in your forties, we must reemphasize that you do not qualify for our services.

Firstly, we require someone else to nominate a recipient of our foundation’s work, and so far, we have yet to receive a nomination for you, except of course, from you. Typically, we receive nominations from medical professionals, parents, legal guardians, and family members with firsthand knowledge of a current and serious medical condition. Perhaps, the reason we have not received a nomination is that your claim of a life-threatening illness is dubious at best.

While we don’t doubt your love-sickness, or as you put it, “getting sick-sick in the stomach” every time you think about being with Leoshi, our medical staff has repeatedly expressed that this is not a life-threatening condition, in any way whatsoever.

Even if we were to accept love-sickness as a grave condition (though, a reminder that there are zero documented fatalities related to the condition), we typically respond to one well-articulated wish as opposed to a litany of requests that relate to your being able to attract someone of the opposite sex and consume alcohol.

I will respond to your list of incoherent wishes in an attempt to put the issue to rest:

You wish you were a little bit taller.

First and foremost, it is misleading to ask to be “a little bit taller” but request a height adjustment over a foot. While being shorter than the average male may present certain social challenges that make romantic involvement more difficult, leg lengthening procedures are typically considered cosmetic surgeries, which fall into a gray area for us.

This surgery is considered painful, potentially damaging to your health, and is not recommended by orthopedists. Additionally, this will only add about 3 inches of height, in which case, you will not achieve your ideal height of “like six foot nine.”

To reach this amount of growth in your old age, we’d recommend thick-heeled shoes, stilts, someone at Biogenesis, or Joel Embiid’s nutritionist.

You wish you were a baller.

This is a common request from children, and it’s truly heart-warming to see a child interact with his or her idols on a basketball court. However, watching a fully capable 41-year-old male join the Lakers on the court for the tip-off seems awkward and painful, like one of those tragic American Idol tryouts.

We understand that it’s not fun sitting on the bleachers with all the girls while they swoon over more talented, taller men playing basketball. It may even be worse being the last pick as you commonly are.

Our recommendation is to consider spending less time at the basketball court, where the women are surely attracted to athletic prowess. Others in your position have tried the arts, acting the part of an NBA player on Broadway, and with your persistence, we are sure this is a strong choice for a man of your writing abilities and connections in the arts community.

You wish you had a rabbit in a hat with a bat…

If you are using poetic license, that is, saying “a rabbit in a hat,” as a trick, or a sexually promiscuous woman, I would point out this may interfere with your courting Leoshi.

If a bat does in fact refer to a handle of Bacardi, I must also deny this request. The Make-A-Wish Foundation® has a strict no-alcohol policy. Additionally, referring to a bottle of rum as a “bat,” has not been and will never be a thing.

At the risk of editorializing, both of these requests seem entirely unimaginative for someone who’s allegedly received the prognosis of a fatal illness.

…And a ‘64 Impala.

This is a totally reasonable request, and I admire your taste in automobiles.

You wish you had a girl who looked good, you would call her.

At this point, it is unclear to me how all of your wishes jive together – are you dead set on Leoshi?

Do you want a sexually promiscuous trick? Or a stable girlfriend that you call every evening and listen to her ramble about her day?

Perhaps if you set better expectations in your interactions with women, you’d have more success in finding a relationship that works for you.

Additionally, you do mention that you are able to attract “hood rats,” and not the “fly girls,” to which I would respond that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and maybe beneath that hood rat shell there is a beautiful woman who would love to chat over the phone with you.

While I did take the time to review your wishes, I must stress that you do not qualify for the services of Make-A-Wish Foundation®. If you’re committed to seeing some of these wishes come true, I’d recommend a sketchy Indian orthopedist and Tinder.

Please refrain from applying to Make-A-Wish® in the future.

 

Sincerely,
David A. Williams
CEO, Make-A-Wish® Foundation

Jared Hutchinson

Jared Hutchinson thanks you for letting him be Mice Elf for once.

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