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Hey, readers! Jim, here! Well, future readers, that is. I know my blog’s not getting the sort of page hits I’d want (that is, it’s not getting any), but I thought I’d write you all a little guide for my favorite dark chocolates, since eating is basically all that brings me joy anymore. A lot of the chocolates on this list are pretty bitter, but trust me, none of them compare to the inherent bitterness of life! Haha!


It’s organic, fair trade, and free of allergens. Meredith (my ex-wife) would have loved this, as she had a number of food allergies. Sometimes when I’m grocery shopping, I still reflexively check package labels, and then I have to come to terms with things all over again! The bar’s got a real nutty flavor (but no nuts! Don’t worry, Meredith!). It’s pretty bitter, at 72 percent cocoa, but nowhere near as bitter as the realization that I haven’t exercised in ages and that the fats in the bar will be with me for the rest of my life (unlike some other people I know! Haha!).

Three out of five beans.


Non-GMO and all natural. They’ve got an 85 percent pure dark chocolate bar that I really enjoy, though it does melt really easily, and it tends to smear all over the screen whenever I use any of my dating apps. Not that they’re working, hahaha! They make a coconut version, if you want to be adventurous, or at least if you want to appear that way in your dating bio on an app that doesn’t seem to work. Like, it really doesn’t. I get so few matches. And why haven’t any of them messaged back? This brand has an aftertaste of bourbon vanilla bean, as well as regular bourbon, if you’ve started drinking by that point of the night.

Four out of five beans.

Baroffio Intense Dark

These come in full-size bars, but try the small squares! You can break them down smaller and smaller and smaller, into tiny little shards, and they won’t say anything at all! They’ll probably just slowly internalize it, over years and years and years! These little pieces of 60 percent dark chocolate will probably look back and blame themselves, wondering if there were other decisions they could have made, but it’s the world that does it, man, it’s the world. Baroffio is smooth and velvety, and does not disappoint (unlike all the choices you’ve ever made! Haha!).

Four-and-a-half out of five beans.


They used to make an 85 percent, but the 72 percent is still pretty good. The bar’s light taste of coffee goes well with a third actual coffee, chugged at the office I’m working at right now, doing temp work. Temp work! At my age! Haha! My mother would love to say “I told you so,” but she cut off all ties with me years ago! Much like Avido’s swap to a lower ratio of cacao, things only seem to be changing for the worse!

Three out of five beans.

Black & Brown

Their recipe of 85 percent dark chocolate is balanced with just enough sugar to cut the bite, but don’t worry, the high cacao ratio still hits hard! Like a car could hit hard, or a bus, or any motor vehicle in which someone stops paying attention for just a split second as I walk into a crosswalk. I think about that sometimes—what a relief it would almost be! And then I realize that with my luck, I would just survive and have to live with chronic pain and unpayable medical bills.

Four out of five beans.


This bar’s got a creamy mouth-feel from a malty-sweet infusion of organic butter, but I’ll be honest, it still won’t help me get to sleep tonight! Between the chocolate’s natural caffeine and my natural anxieties, I’m going to be up all night again, thinking about how to live is to suffer, but also never finding any relief in that. The beans this brand uses are grown in the shade of the Ecuadorian rainforest, and when I finally do fall asleep, I dream of what it’s like there. The air feels cool, and the jungle is quiet. It’s peaceful and serene, but for some reason, I still feel just as horrible as I always do! Guess the problem is with me, haha! Nowhere I can go to escape that!

Three out of five beans!


Though still dark, at 87 percent, Gioia makes dark chocolate with a little bit of a surprise—they use an old delicacy, candied citrus! The tangy-sweet crystallized orange peel is a pretty great addition, but it still doesn’t bring me real joy. Not like what I used to feel when I was a kid. Have you enjoyed anything these days like you used to back then? Remember what a simple Hershey’s bar used to be like? Who needs candied citrus—remember what orange starbursts were like? Everything was so new then, and wonderful for absolutely no reason at all. A hint of vanilla gives a little bit of brightness to this bar, but then it’s just gone, vanished, just like everything else you ever found nice and good about the world.

Five out of five beans—highly recommended! Eat some while you’re still capable of enjoying anything at all!

Please make sure to comment below, and share this article on Facebook! Unless you’re friends with my ex-wife, Meredith, then please, just share last week’s article: “I’m Doing Great, Meredith, Fantastic Even, And I’m Not Just Writing This to Make You Feel Like You’ve Made a Mistake.”

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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