December 1, 2016
Dear UCLA Administration,
Thank you for your continuous help with our application to your fine university, and thanks for looking the other way and letting us apply as a pair. We have been working very hard to figure out the best college destination and UCLA has left a strong impression on us.
With that being said, we were wondering if you could possibly, maybe, hopefully, reject us. As nicely as possible, you know? And make it look real. It’s not that we are concerned about the high academic degree of difficulty. And it’s also not that we are worried about living in the shadow of our older brother Lonzo.
The truth is we would really, REALLY, like to get away from home.
Lots of teens decide that the best college for them is across the country, so why should we be any different? UCLA is a renowned, prestigious university, with a storied basketball program, and we’d be lucky to be a part of both. The big thing is just that our dad lives only 50 miles away from campus (53 actually. We’ve been checking Google Maps after every earthquake, hoping that somehow the tectonic plates will push Chino Hills farther away from Westwood).
Our college counselor told us that students use their college years to “find their voice”. That sounds great, but mostly, we would really just like to lose our father’s voice. And UCLA is definitely not the right place for that.
When you turn our applications down, we will be free to pursue some of the other perspective schools, where we will be applying. UCLA may have John Wooden and Bill Walton and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Russell Westbrook, but Bucknell University lacks access to any major airports or major media outlets or majorly embarrassing dads (It’s 159 miles to Philadelphia International according to Google Maps and not enough major tectonic plates to push them any closer together).
Another school we are interested in is the University of Phoenix, because it may confuse our dad that it is not actually in Phoenix. Our biggest concern is the lack of a basketball team, but we are still contemplating if that is a deal-breaker. Similarly we’re considering Miami University, and not telling dad that it’s in Ohio. We can let him find out for himself and then by the time he has tracked us down, we can transfer to the University of Miami in Florida for our sophomore year.
Also, did you know that Oakland University, which has made the NCAA tournament twice this decade, is actually in Oakland, Michigan? Please tell us if you knew because we are gauging whether that is common knowledge.
While you are answering our questions, is it true that there are Native American tribes that ban cameras because photographs are believed to steal a person’s soul? Furthermore do you know if there are any schools with strong basketball programs on their reservations?
Also, the same exact questions but for Amish people.
If all else fails we have Ball State as our safety school, for the obvious superficial marketing reasons. They haven’t yet responded to our request to change the name to Big Baller State.
Enclosed you will find our transcripts and our references from our headmaster, our basketball coach, and our first employer… but you will immediately notice that all of them are our father. PLEASE DO NOT CONSULT WITH HIM.
Thank you again for all your help and your confidentiality in this matter. We have set up a private P.O. Box if you have any questions, but please send all rejection letters straight to the house.
LiAngelo and LaMelo Ball