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All Hands,

We wanted to share that our human resources team, including Heather, who minored in biology at Vassar, is closely monitoring the emergence of coronavirus around the world by watching cable news and following the World Health Organization (the “WHO”), and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (the “CDC”) on Tik-Tok, which is a company based in China, which is where the outbreak started.

The health and safety of our employees is our absolute top priority, as evidenced by our “no mayonnaise-based dishes at outdoor summer events,” policy that we will be instituting next year after the events of the otherwise successful and fun-filled Coral Park Cookout and Luau that Heather organized for us last year.

Please find below, guidance regarding disease prevention and hygiene. Gentle reminder that these recommendations are subject to change as the situation is ongoing and that you should wash or sanitize your hands every time you touch your computer’s mouse or keyboard because, when the office is dark and empty at night, rodents and bugs defecate all of the equipment as they eat the crumbs of lunch that you all leave behind (thanks for that, Heather!).

Global Tips and Safety Pointers:

The following tips and safety pointers are from the World Health Organization as of February 27, 2020.

There is currently no vaccine to prevent coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19). The best way to prevent illness is to avoid being exposed to the virus.

If you think you have been exposed to COVID-19, we urge you to contact your healthcare provider immediately.

Wash your hands once per hour, for as long as it takes to repeat this simple poem three times in your head:

  • “Come out, damned spot! Out, I command you! One, two. Okay, it’s time to do it now.—Hell is murky!—Nonsense, my lord, nonsense! You are a soldier, and yet you are afraid? Why should we be scared, when no one can lay the guilt upon us?—But who would have thought the old man would have had so much blood in him?”

Maintain social distancing:

  • This should be familiar to some of you as we have had talks about looming over the temp receptionists. Because that’s just the industry we’re in.

Don’t shake hands with people:

  • Elbow bumps are awkward and require too much explanation. Do a fist bump, then then rapidly pull your hand backwards and say, “Yeah, brah.”  Because that’s just the industry we’re in.

Stop eating at your desks like animals:

  • Heather says you’re attracting bugs and rodents.

Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth:

  • Stop it.  What are you, 2 years old? Keep your hands on your keyboard and mouse.  Your filthy, filthy keyboard and mouse.

Practice respiratory hygiene:

  • If you have to sneeze, cough, or clear your throat loudly, please go outside, 20 feet from the building entrance, where Steve smokes.

Stay home if you feel unwell:

  • Quarantine yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Travel Restrictions in Immediate Effect:

The following travel notices are in effect  as of February 27, 2020.

  • Steve’s apartment.  He’s always coughing.  It’s suspicious.
  • Steve’s cubicle.
  • Steve.

Any employee who has recently touched Steve should not come into the office and should be quarantined for 14 days.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Answers to the following questions have been provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as of February 27, 2020.

Q: What are the symptoms of Coronavirus Disease-2019 (COVID-19)?

“It struck me very deep this afternoon going with a hackney coach from my Lord Treasurer’s down Holborne, the coachman I found to drive easily and easily, at last stood still, and came down hardly able to stand, and told me that he was suddenly stuck very sick, and almost blind, he could not see. So I ‘light and went into another coach with a sad heart for the poor man and trouble for myself lest he should have been struck with the plague, being at the end of town that I took him up; But God have mercy upon us all!” —- Samuel Pepys

Q: How does the virus causing COVID-19 spread?

A: Email attachments.  We’ve been over this, people.

Q: Can someone who has had COVID-19 spread the illness to others?

A: Yes, stay away from Steve.

Q: When will this be over?

A: Heather will let you know.

Michael Maiello

Michael Maiello is a New York-based playwright, author and humorist. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, The New Yorker, and Weekly Humorist. He has two plays available through

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