Listen up, kids. We had the best childhood. And your iPads can’t do shit about it. The “magic” of technology can’t compete with the dope childhood of Erin and Shannon Vail. Kids these days will never really understand just how dope it was. Maybe no one can really understand just how dope it was except for us. Let us explain why the Vail sister childhood was the best ever.
This is an ode to kids in OUR days.
As a kid, you have a very specific notion of time. Morning, afternoon, night. No in between, and no actual hours or minutes. Also, back in the late 90s/early 2000s, there was no such thing as on demand! No Netflix! No DVDs! So if you wanted to watch something at a certain time, you had to rearrange your whole schedule around it.
In this case, we went to bed early to wake up at “dawn” to watch the The Mighty Ducks. Not the Mighty Ducks film franchise, which we also know and love, and of which Charlie Conway is the best acting role of Josh Jackson’s career, but The Mighty Ducks cartoon. Are you familiar? You probably aren’t. The Mighty Ducks TV show focused on a team of humanoid duck soldiers who used weaponized hockey equipment to fight crimes in space on a separate duck-inhabited planet.
Is that the weirdest sentence you’ve read today? We got fucking AMPED to watch this.
Gather round, kids of yore. Once upon a time, there was an absolutely terrifying but incredible ride at DisneyWorld. It was called the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. Waiting in line was so glamorous. They piped old timey music in the speakers, filled the area with the smell of musty carpet, and you truly felt that you were at a hotel in the golden age of Hollywood.
PLOT TWIST: it’s a haunted hotel! You’re in an episode of *extremely Rod Serling voice* The Twilight Zone! The ride itself is basically just shooting you up and dropping you from different levels while different spooky music plays. We know the intro and the message at the end by heart.
Did you know: this ride was also turned into a movie starring Kirsten Dunst and Steve Guttenberg? It’s basically the backstory of the people who haunt the ride, including Jan from The Office. And it is a TREASURE. And guess what. That movie is all we have left of this beloved ride, because Disney decided to cash their big fat Marvel check and gut the ride, transforming it into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.
I’m still bitter. I’m SURE I will have fun on this version of the ride. I enjoy the thrill of a good stomach drop, and I really enjoy Guardians as a movie. But it will NEVER be the same. #NotMyTower
Lucky Charms are your standard kid food. Sugary marshmallows and processed carbs—do those even count as food? Well, we got to experience something that topped Lucky Charms.
Mickey Magix cereal was Disney’s attempt to get into the cereal game—already a stacked category including Oreo O’s, Reese’s Puffs, and French Toast Crunch (RIP). The only time we ever ate Mickey Magix was at our Grampa’s, out of mugs, with no milk, which helped make this magic cereal into magix cereal. Kids today probably only eat sugar-free applesauce and organic oats. SMH.
No, we’re not talkin’ Minecraft. No violence and no downloads. Today you can play almost anything on the internet. But back in our day, we had a CD rack of computer games that we played on our desktop computer. We’re talkin’ Freddi Fish 2: The Case of the Haunted Schoolhouse and The Magic School Bus Explores in the Age of the Dinosaurs, to name a few.
“Educational” computer games shaped our first computer experiences, whereas kids these days use filters on Snapchat before they can even say “Snapchat.” Kids today think they have it so great, but we wouldn’t trade our floppy disks for extra carrots and potatoes. Nice try, Minecraft.
Ever heard of it, idiots??? That’s right. We didn’t sit in front of our parent’s old iPhone that is now loaded with stupid apps. We made up games ourselves. And using what was around us (a staircase and some blankets), we created one of the most iconic games of our childhood: Ship. We pretended that the landing on our staircase was part of a shipwrecked boat. I think this originated from reading Swiss Family Robinson and/or True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle. We were obsessed.
Together, we had to survive. Kids these days would just pretend to hold a cell phone and call for help, and the game would be over. Well, dummies, cell phones were basically non-existent (unless you were Zack Morris). Also, cell phones probably wouldn’t work on the open ocean IF they somehow didn’t suffer any water damage from the wreck. We had to think if other ways to find land or other survivors using only our minds. Can kids these days even comprehend the ability to pretend a staircase is actually a ship after being inundated with virtual stimuli all their lives?
So there you have it. Was our childhood the best in human history? Only 90s kids will remember! Kids these days have a lot to learn about the true meaning of fun. Except low key, we’re pretty jealous they got to be kids when movies like Frozen, Moana, and especially Zootopia were released.
TBH, Flash from Zootopia is a top 10 movie character of all movies ever. With the exception of iconic theme park rides, Disney still knows how to make ‘em.