Jeffrey Toobin’s {NSFW} Invincibility

Recently, a man was caught masturbating on a Zoom call with coworkers. He was fired from a major public job. His name is Jeffrey Toobin. You probably heard about it, in fact you probably joked about it. It’s an easy laugh, if you’re into those sorts of things. But it is extremely gross, remarkably stupid, and perhaps most shockingly, not enough to disqualify him from another of his jobs, being on television and early a hefty paycheck.

Toobin was fired from The New Yorker, after 27 years, as well as New York Public Radio, where he appeared on various broadcasts. However, (!!) he was not fired from CNN, instead, given some time away to deal with personal issues.

When he was welcomed back onto CNN, a network which one forward thinking Prompt writer called a complete mess, after a brief stint in adult timeout, they did it with an in-person interview with the man they probably didn’t trust to do it from his home office.

Toobin was interviewed by Alisyn Camerota who gave him the “I’m the cool mom” treatment, reinforcing disappointment with quips and a remarkable casualness. It’s this kind of rinse and repeat wrist-slapping while hand-holding that makes me roll my eyes every time someone gets pious about how cancel culture is ruining society. And don’t get me wrong, I am not here to “cancel” Jeffrey Toobin, as much as suggest that we treat him with the seriousness of a man who openly masturbated in front of his colleagues during a work video call.

If you want to see the good cop, good cop interview, here is the link, but if you don’t have the heart for an eight minute masturbatory batting practice for Toobin, we’ll break down some of the key moments.

—–

(0:45) Camerota: To quote Jay Leno, what the hell were you thinking?

Always good to set the tone by quoting a comedian no one likes and giving him credit for a sentence everyone has asked at some point or another. At least we know what kind of irritating television content we’re being given. 

(1:00) Toobin: I think one point, I wouldn’t exactly say in my defense because nothing is really in my defense, I didn’t think I was on the call. I didn’t think other people could see me.

Toobin is flirting with the very delicate space between explaining why something happened and making an excuse. 

Even if the camera was off, even if the computer was closed, even if it was only a phone call, Toobin masturbated in front of colleagues. It’s not an equally disgusting and disgraceful act as Louis CK, for obvious reasons, but the abhorrent disrespect for his colleagues and complete misunderstanding of technology should disqualify him from a job (A LEGAL CONSULTANT NONETHELESS), on television. Sorry for such my strict non-jerking off at work moral code. 

While I don’t enjoy the work of most CNN employees, they do have the right to not work with someone who can’t stop jerking off at work. 

(1:16) Toobin: Now that’s not a defense. This was deeply moronic and indefensible, but that is part of the story.

I am really hooked on his “that is part of the story.” It is part of the story Jeffrey Toobin is telling. But it is not an equal part of the story to what his coworkers were forced to see, how that affected them, and their story.  

(1:37) Toobin: …trying to be a better person, in therapy, trying to do some public service, working at a food bank, which I am certainly going to continue to do. Working on a new book about the Oklahoma City bombing, but I am trying to become a person who people can trust again.

We’ve very quickly gotten to the Mad Lib of excuses portion of the Toobin rehabilitation tour. I figured we’d be way past two minutes before the bullshit began. Maybe it’s just me, but I know the things I look for before trusting someone are working at a food bank and writing a book about a tragedy from three decades ago. Sounds like healing!

(3:03) Toobin: Above all, I am sorry to my wife. And to my family. But I am also sorry to the people on the Zoom call. I am sorry to my former colleagues at The New Yorker. I am sorry to my current, fortunately still colleagues at CNN. And I am sorry to the people who read my work and who watched me on CNN who thought I was a better person than this. I have a lot to rebuild but I feel very privileged and very lucky that I am going to be able to try to do that.

Now we’re at the crux of it. Maybe no word more demonstrates that Toobin may understand the situation than his use of “privileged.” I wish he’d expound on that but it’s CNN and we probably have to get back to a story about whether the new emojis are game changers. 

(3:50) Camerota: So, of course, it begs the question: Why didn’t you have better judgment?

Toobin: Because I didn’t have better judgment! Because I’m a flawed human being who makes mistakes.

Giggles giggles giggles. If you’re enjoying the levity of how outright SILLY Jeffrey Toobin is, come his upcoming one man show, “Is This Thing On?”

(6:40) Camerota: Other people have weighed in. Late night talk shows have had a field day.

Toobin: You know what? How ‘bout two segments on Saturday Night Live about me? That’s like, anyways.

If you were looking for something from the contrition department, it looks like we are fresh out. We do have something in bragging about fame, if you are interested in that, instead. 

—–

The interview ends pretty soon after that. There are more giggles, in case you wanted that. But you had probably had your fill, since giggles filled the awkward spaces through most of the conversation.

In the end, I find Toobin to be a little too casual with his retelling and apologies. I find CNN a little too familiar with the tone of the questions, and not nearly hard enough, journalistically. Toobin clearly understands how public apologies are best conveyed and does a good job meeting the basic standard.

For me, though, maybe an apology isn’t enough. An apology can be necessary and still not enough; both can be valid. Toobin’s apology is a first step, but his excessively NSFW behavior warrants a little more than some words and some time off to justify bringing the man back into a professional (and professional) environment.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but rehabilitation is a lot like pornography, in that you know it when you see it. And I just haven’t seen it yet from Toobin.