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Jim
Hi everyone, and welcome the first game of Monday Night Football for this 2020 season. I’m your host for tonight, Jim Lessismore, alongside my co-hosts Snotty McFinklepants, and our sideline host reporter, Pizza Salters.

Tonight’s game, a rematch, hosted by Super Bowl—seven—seventy-eight? Ah, who gives a shit—champions, the Kansas City Green Fly-Over Squares against the Ted Talks of San Francisco.

My producer is in my ear saying something about doing “the 49er” with my mother—well, tell you what, you host the sex party pal and I’ll drop the old girl off Monday morning. Until then, it’s my show. My microphone. I’m calling the shots, and I can say whatever I goddamn well please.

Snotty McFinklepants, you gotta think San Francisco, with its skyrocketing rent, lousy unpredictable weather, and the weight of its own self-satisfaction, has a host of other problems they’d much rather tell you about than actually deal with, but tonight they gotta deal with the real problem of Patrick MaHost and that outstanding tangy Kansas City BBQ sauce.

Snotty

Um, yeah, well Patrick Mahomes is the greatest quarterback in the game today. He’s a delight to watch. And, I bet, even more fun to play with…

Jim starts to sweat like someone just turned on a faucet, and his skin is turning a dark reddish-purple.

Snotty

I’m really excited for tonight’s matchup.

Lessismore

Whoever named you Snotty, needs to be slapped in the head with their own mouth.

Snotty

Wasn’t my God given—

Lessimore

Who the fuck cares! Let’s go down to our host sideline reporter, Pizza Salters, so she can regurgitate some crap fed to her just a few minutes ago by an intern. Pizza?

Jim hocks out a large ball of some beige and different colored saliva like matter from his throat

Pizza

Um, Thanks Jim and Snotty. I just spoke to Andy Reid a few moments ago, and he said his team is excited. There is no hangover from the Super Bowl: This is a new season, and they are ready to take on San Fran.

Lessimore

I’ve received more useful information from a hostess at a Shony’s—thanks for the update, Pizza.

Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsors, Hostess Cupcakes—remember if you’re eating cupcakes, you’re probably eating a Hostess—who the hell makes them anyway. Entenmann’s? Really, you gonna eat an Entenmann’s cupcake? Their snacks taste like my grandmother’s hamper.

Small trickle of blood starts to run out of Jim’s nose

Jim

People of Earth, and those designed and programmed to consume the sporting event you are watching now. What you have experienced is a software update to the Human Host Network Provider, which strengthened securities against a form of malware that has been detected in your galaxy.

The memory of this message will be stored deep within your subconscious, and we apologize for this inconvenience and return you to your regularly scheduled lives already in progress.

 Jim’s eyes roll from black to his own, and his health, skin, and facial features all return to normal. He does not miss a beat as he closes the segment.

Jim

It’s gonna be a smash’em up, beat’em up, rock-and-roll good time, tonight here on ESPN’s Monday Night Football.

Stay tuned for a word from our host sponsor.

Mikael Johnson

Mikael Johnson is a writer, performer and paralegal. He once hit (2) home-runs in a game while playing baseball in Europe—he may have “flipped” his bat after hitting the second one.

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