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Saying “Happy Holidays.”

Not putting up lights or a tree.

Using non-red-and-green wrapping paper.

Giving educational gifts.

Politely declining the Salvation Army bell-ringer.

Maintaining a liberal stance on immigration.

Relying on Americans’ general lack of knowledge of Judaism and claiming that Hanukkah starts “next Tuesday,” regardless of when I’m asked.

Yelling “Gold, Frankincense, and MYRRHDURRRR” like I am Ja Rule.

Baking anatomically correct gingerbread men, most of whom are uncircumcised.

Repeatedly accusing the Vienna Boys Choir of human trafficking.

Producing environmental propaganda highlighting Santa’s use of coal as a present for bad children to cast American coal producers in a negative light, and in the process, pitting conservatives against each other.

Poisoning Mariah Carey.

Referring to my boyfriend’s ass as “a Decembutt to Remembutt” at home, on the drive to the airport, while sitting on a plane, and while in line at a Charlotte Airport Starbucks.

Doing that thing from Love, Actually where you try to get a married person to cheat on their spouse by flipping through banal posterboard messages while standing on their doorstep and playing shit music on a boombox.

Registering all my email contacts for Honda Days promotional lists.

Loudly engaging with that one dude at every party who wants to talk about how Die Hard is his favorite Christmas movie.

Protesting at Manheim Steamroller concerts until they change their name to either A) Woman and Manheim Steamroller, or B) HUMANheim Steamroller.

Gay sex, probably.

Elf-nic Cleansing.

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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