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Show them movies they are not mature enough to watch

Kiss them on the lips

Lie about the goldfish moving to a farm upstate

Dance embarrassingly

Practice casual racism

Walk around the house less than fully dressed

Let them drink underage

Make awkward sex jokes

Make corny jokes and puns with dated references

Ask intimate details about their genitals

Teach them how to bottle their emotions rather than talk

Try to be “the cool parent” when friends are over

Force inheritance of their own various neuroses

“Work” from home

Be a substitute teacher in elementary school and make them miss recess to work on an essay because the drummers had band practice while everyone else worked on their essays and you “didn’t want the drummers to fall behind everyone else” even though there were so few recesses left in my school career, and I was really looking forward to getting a break that day even though I wanted to play the trumpet, not the drums but you figured I wouldn’t have to practice so that you didn’t have to deal with background noise so you made me pick the drums, and if I was in the trumpet group I wouldn’t have missed recess that day, but fuck me, right?

Day drink

Ryan Fay

Ryan is an editor and semi-pro author with life goal of having enough money to buy the cool things people make in DIY videos.

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