An Incomplete and Growing List of Things That Have Tried to Kill Me

My aunt’s cat

My roommate’s leftovers, which I failed to eat covertly with the refrigerator door open

A guardrail on I-95

An ice patch on I-95

Hawaiian Punch

The unholy union of electric cords and my oversized feet

My sister

An unseen, unknown army of viral infections that are immediately vanquished by my immune system

The unrelenting cold and darkness of winter

The unparalleled cuteness of bunnies

My former roommate’s malodorous butt expulsions

Flocks of disgusting Canada geese that line the Potomac River

Small microwave and toaster oven fires

Losing to fat, unathletic people in dodgeball

Every bicyclist on every sidewalk

Dehydration

Violent lightning storms while sleeping in a tent

A flat tire in leopard country

Mark Turgeon’s tactical decisions at the end of games

The Grim Reaper

The white pickup truck that hit me at the intersection of 14th & R Streets

The patriarchy