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Dolphins are back in the Venice canals and now ants are back in my kitchen!

Can’t penalize me for withdrawing from my 401K if there is no more 401K!

As it turns out, the best place to cry is actually the shower!

Coughing is an affordable core workout!

I can wipe that poop in just 3 squares of TP!

Thanks to nonstop Zoom calls, I finally know what my wife does for work!

My Global Entry application was finally approved!

Is it just me or is Ozark REALLY funny this season?

Based on heart rate and perspiration, going to the grocery store counts as exercise!

Haven’t had a friend bail on plans in months due to a “babysitter situation”!

I’ve learned how to make a meal out of just Cheez-Its, salsa, and leftover Easter candy!

Rediscovered my love for masturbation!

New appreciation for neighborhood construction workers diligence as I’m intimately familiar with their early start time!

My dad’s daily emails about wearing sunscreen have trickled to a stop!

Oil is basically free, car insurance is 25 percent off, and my car hasn’t aged a mile!

Paying $250 a month for cable and internet has never been more worth it!

My upstairs neighbor is getting into great shape, based on how much longer his Peloton rides are each day!

Who needs DuoLingo when I can have full conversations with my Roomba?

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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