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You know what grinds my gears? Haughty White Men on Twitter who think that unearned gravitas is the proper response to the fact that the U.N. just needs to go ahead and set up shop in the White House to get a handle on the multiple humanitarian problems going on in the United States. I wish I had a smoother, more writerly way to introduce this topic, but I just spent an hour awash in Old White Man Twitter, which is exactly the opposite amount of fun as Black Twitter.

Too many crusty, dried-up douchebags put on the same detached, holier than thou air to describe the fucked up shit that is being done in the name of the United States. And it all has the same subtext: “Hey, you’re a Joe Six Pack mongoloid who probably appreciate current events on the same level as I, a thinker, with a bachelor’s degree, so let me break it down for you.”

I’m tired of it. It’s played out. No one thinks that Trump as president is doing well. If you’re pro-Trump, then you think that liberal cry-babies are slowing down the re-greatening of America. If you’re not a racist sycophant, then you know that the last 2 years have been like a series of less than ideal car crashes.

And the proper way to respond to a car crash is by yelling “Holy crap! Are you okay?!” and then doing something about the dangerous intersection. Or, again, if you’re a racist sycophant then you cut out your seatbelts to own the libs.

An improper response is saying “Those two automobiles just made contact at a high rate of speed. Let that sink in. Really think about it.” And yet here are some countless white men with Twitter accounts invested in seeming thoughtful and above it all. Let’s all get pissed off together at them on a case by case basis.

1. Steve Silberman

I don’t need to let that sink in for a moment, Steve. Someone asking another person if they are here legally is, on its face, a shitty thing. Xenophobia and bigotry are bad, but they’re even more infuriating when the bigot isn’t even observant enough to apply stereotypes correctly. Feeling a sense of outrage at a Navajo congressman being told to leave the country by some MAGA twerp doesn’t require quiet contemplation. It doesn’t sink in. It slaps you in the face. You’re not smarter than me. In fact, you needing time to ponder this shows that your wits have been addled by the white patriarchy.

2. Seth Abramson

Ah yes. The condescending nonsense of “Think about that. Really think about that.” The phrase “nuclear war” does its job, Seth. It’s a well-known concept. I don’t need the directive to meditate on the specifics.

When Seth watches Full Metal Jacket, he pauses it and tells his friends, “When R. Lee Ermey says he’s going to unscrew Private Joker’s head and shit down his neck, he’s discussing defecating down the esophagus of another human. Think about that when he yells. Really think about it,” looks at his friend for a beat, and then pushes play. Seth thinks about sentences on a much deeper level than you and I.

Finally, that’s not how you use a colon in a sentence. The next time he opens a sentence with “remember,” Seth should look up the rules of grammar. Really look them up.

3. Robert Reich

Robert Reich is a favorite of white ‘thinking men’ who are far too cerebral to have emotional reactions to racist policies. Here he is dropping a factoid that may have slipped past you unnoticed whilst you were picking Baker Mayfield in the last round of your fantasy football draft as a lark: laws pertaining to finance are set up to help multi-million dollar companies and screw over the common man.

You don’t say, Robert. Somehow I’ve lived my entire adult life in the USA and never considered the fact that capitalism is a set up. Thankfully, you were here.

4. Brian Krassenstein

Here is Brian clutching his pearls and trying to create a new word. It’s not Trumpian, Brian. It’s horse shit. And the sooner that you get over your aversion to big people outrage, the better. Trump and his ilk don’t deserve your reserved, contemplative criticism. They deserve to be called what they are: sentient versions of the bags that hang on the butt of a horse pulling a hansom cab filled with yokels.

Did you know it was “hansom” and not “handsome cab”? I sure didn’t. Wild. But I’m still not going to ask you to think about it.

5. Nameless Scrub

Here is some nameless dope tweeting about how we aren’t as frightened as him, because we haven’t given current events the proper mulling over. Well, I actually have thought about it. I just curse at my TV instead of crafting lugubrious tweets.

Do you think this is why Latin American countries kept allowing the United States to meddle in their elections? Because people there weren’t letting it sink in and getting outraged? I’ll bet that’s it.

6. Rick Wilson

Rick can’t shake the notion that something shady happened with Trump’s campaign. The rest of us dopes have moved on to purchasing new Fortnite emotes. But Rick, poor sleepless Rick, keeps thinking about the people who conspired against the United States.

He’s focusing on the real issues. You and I are not better than baboons compared to Rick.

7. Ezra Klein

Oh yeah, Ezra. Say it clearer. Say it very clear. Say it so clear. Do you want to say it once more for the people in the back? Say it slow and clear, ‘cause I’m a dumb little baby and I need you to feed me that hot, throbbing, nuanced political analysis so slow. Spread my brain with what’s the scariest part about the Trump administration. Very clearly.

8. Dan Pfeiffer

Oh, my god, it’s relentless.

Why is it worth pausing to reflect on the fact that Republicans did some kleptocratic maneuvering for the seven thousandth time?

Are you shocked, Dan? Is that why you’re thinking about it very seriously? Because you’re reflective, serious man who doesn’t get hysterical like some social commentators, but you do like to mull things over for the proper amount of time?

You know what I’m going to do the next time the GOP does something to line their pockets and the pockets of their cronies? Keep it pushing. Nothing new happened, so I can go back to watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. (I alternate my days between self-care and working in the resistance.)

9. Denizcan Grimes

You cannot open with “Let that sink in.” It should be “Let this sink in.” However, the phrase usually appears after the slow-burn mind blowing statement, so “that” is correct, and I shouldn’t really expect original phrasing from haughty Twitter fart-sniffers.

I’m so drunk on rage that I have forgotten the point of this article.

Getting drunk on rage was probably the point.

10. Dan Rather

Dammit. They got to Dan Rather.

People—and let’s be honest, I’m talking about white, male people—whose schtick is commenting on the foibles of government, have to stop using tired phrases like “let that sink in” or “really think about it” to make their observations seem mind-blowing. They aren’t better at being dumbstruck by the absolute evil and hypocrisy happening at the highest level of government than the rest of us.

Shit’s fucked up. So just say that. Use those exact words. Shit’s fucked up. How is the immigration issue? Shit’s fucked up. Campaign finance? Shit’s fucked up. The Democratic field for 2020? Shit’s fucked up. Stop clutching your pearls like my aunt when she saw my sick JNCOs back in ‘95.

Dennis William

Dennis is an aspiring English teacher and still listens to ska music. He lives in Portland, Oregon, which is fine, just not in the same way that DC is fine.

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