The Angry Whopper is back for a limited time at Burger King! You probably thought last year’s Angry Whopper had some real pluck, but this year we made the Angry Whopper angrier than than a Real Housewives reunion show. “How?” you ask. We’ll tell you!
We start with young cows that have been split up from their parents at the border, and jam them full of artificial growth hormones to ensure they’re juicy AND vulnerable. Picture a pumped up West German Olympic swimmer, only twice as ornery and with deep abandonment issues.
The cows are then raised on a steady diet of male toxic masculinity and female empowerment issues and taught a semester of Creationism. They are sorted and racially profiled based off of their spots, and if any of the cows show even the slightest queer tendencies, they are sent to a conversion camp.
Next, it’s off to the slaughterhouse powered by clean coal. Once they’ve been ground down—like up-and-coming female comedians watching Louis CK get all sorts of second chances—the handsy guy at the office will form beef patties.
But what kind of beef is it? It’s certified Grade Cardi B/Nicki Minaj beef, marinated in a secret blend of Donald Trump Jr.’s tweets for 24 hours. Seems potent enough, but we aren’t calling this a ‘Potent Enough Whopper’—it’s an Angry Whopper you short-term-memory lacking turd!
That marinated beef is then loaded into a Hummer without air conditioning and forced to drive in rush hour traffic. The meat gets unsafely to room temperature while the Hummer drives a 20-mile loop back to its original location, while subjected to to Alien Ant Farm’s greatest hits, played on the dulcet tones of a harpsichord!
We were going to finish cooking our Angry Whopper in a work break room microwave that was recently used to reheat fish, but everyone knows Whoppers must be flame-broiled. You wouldn’t have it any other way! This year’s Angry Whopper is flame-broiled by an angry tiki torch-wielding mob! To give it that extra smokey flavor, your Angry Whopper will be Juuling.
Our cashiers will ask how you’d like your Angry Whopper cooked, but we’ve instructed our cooks to char the ever-hating shit out of that Angry Whopper regardless of your request. Please let us know if your Angry Whopper comes out to your liking, because if so, we’d like to speak to your manager.
This year’s Angry Whopper is lactose intolerant-intolerant. We’ve hidden cheese EVERYWHERE. In fact, we are allergic to all of your allergies and persnickety dietary restrictions. We added peanuts, pork, high-fructose corn syrup, and sulfates to make your digestive system as irritable as Brett Kavanaugh at a confirmation hearing.
Ohbytheway, we are out of toilet paper in all of our bathrooms, which are strictly single-gendered, and marshalled by a local police officer on paid leave for repeated stop-and-frisk tactics. Don’t worry, he’ll be back with the force in no time!
Our angry fried onions straws, part onion and part single-use plastic straw, are slathered in angry sauce and will certainly kick things up a notch. This year, we’re pairing them with angry lettuce, which was grown in a field where the farmers exclusively listened to Philadelphia sports talk radio. Our angry tomato is a regular tomato, but mealy AF.
We can personally promise you will be frustrated with how long you wait for your meal. Our lawyers didn’t want us to warn you—but, fuck lawyers! While you are waiting for your Angry Whopper, you will be cut in line by Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman’s daughters, who left their electric scooters lying in the handicapped space outside.
Another quick question: are you paying in cash? Because we’ve gone cash-free on Sundays, and credit-card-free on weekdays, but we will accept personal checks, the Burger King freemium app, and Pepsi Points.
When your Angry Whopper finally arrives, you’ll find it conveniently wrapped in an Avengers: Endgame spoiler summary. Your Angry Whopper will be too hot to touch, or freezing cold. It won’t be randomly decided, but a millennial will tell you, “That’s literally so random.” Before you get a chance to dive into your burger, our customer service representatives will make sure you are adequately fat-shamed, addressed by the wrong pronoun, and robo-called.
Your dissatisfaction is guaranteed and we’d encourage you to share your frustrations on Yelp, where we will pay to have them wiped from the public view. A portion of the sales of this year’s Angry Whopper will go to Dr. Jenny McCarthy’s Anti-Vaccine Awareness Foundation. So hurry in to your local Burger King before we run out of Angry Whoppers, we hear a big order is about to come from the White House for their celebration of another New England Patriots Super Bowl.
Please, on your way out, grab a comment card and share your sensitivities with us so we can make next year’s Angry Whopper even more debilitating.