Is “Throwback Tuesday” even a thing?#TBTHTT? No one cares. Because it’s time to give the people what they want, which are hot takes on schedule. Time to dig back into the vault and revive the tradition.
I currently live in Los Angeles, a beautiful city with eight major league sports teams, a constant conversation about how terrible traffic is, and a fast food chain that the greater population considers fine dining.
Don’t get me wrong, In-N-Out burgers are very, very good. And their customer service is unbelievable.
In-N-Out has mastered the nostalgic aura of a 1950s diner (without all that segregated drinking fountain hullabaloo) better than any fast food chain other than Johnny Rockets. And their prices are dirt cheap. Hell, the only burger joint that can even compete is Johnny Rockets. And In-N-Out’s milkshakes are to die for. They might even be as good as the milkshakes at Johnny Rockets!
In-N-Out is definitely great, and as a self-proclaimed fast food aficionado, I have to give them props. But the hype surrounding In-N-Out is absolutely bonkers.
Every night when I pass the In-N-Out near my house, the drive-thru line is at a minimum 20 cars deep. Dudes in those funny paper hats walk around with iPads to help people place their orders, for what I can only assume is a clever attempt keep the customers in line before they realize they’ve already left the kids home alone for 40 minutes.
Security guards surround the place on all sides. SECURITY GUARDS… WITH GUNS… FOR A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT! The first time I drove by I thought there was an impromptu N.W.A. concert.
And while the burgers are good, they’re not wait-in-line-for-an-hour good. And while the ingredients are fresh, honestly who the hell cares! Everyone knows that Papa John’s uses better ingredients (for a better pizza), but I simply refuse to order from that place cause the owner gives me the willies.
Saying that In-N-Out is overrated in the city of Los Angeles is like saying that Vin Scully stayed in the game 25 years past his prime. But it’s the truth. It’s a glorified Johnny Rockets, and McDonald’s fries are better. There, I said it.
8/10 – It’s a dry heat.
I have a serious fear of the ocean. While you’re swimming, you can’t see what’s going on, the slightest calf cramp could lead to your death, and sharks may be nearby. Big ass sharks. And they say that sharks don’t usually attack humans, but bees don’t usually sting humans either. Accidents happen no matter the species.
They’re like little honey-pooping kamikazes.
Bears are like the sharks of the land, and grizzlies are like the great whites of the forest. And for some odd reason, we have no idea where they are.
This baffles me. An adult grizzly stands 8 feet tall, weighs 1,000 pounds, and can run 30 mph. For comparison, my top speed is like 6 mph. These hairy death machines are armed with long sharp claws, bite twice as hard as a lion, and can decapitate you with a single swipe of their paw.
I bet that fish is like 7 feet long.
And yet, we have no idea where they are. People stumble upon grizzlies every day while hiking through the woods. And we’re all just, like, “whatever.”
We live in a time when there is literally an app for everything. People rate their experiences in public restrooms, and yet we don’t know where bears are. How do we not have a bear locator app already?
We’re all so upset that the government is cutting funding for PBS, but we’re not up in arms about the fact that the government doesn’t track bears?! Unbelievable.
6/10 — The UV index says to bring some sunscreen.
Fans, I’d like to welcome to the stage, friend of the column (FOTC) and the editor of Hot Takes Tuesday, Kelaine Conochan. Each week, Kelaine patiently bites her tongue as I let the words and anger pour down like lava from Fuego Volcano. Well, this week she steps up to the plate to give her own take.
Thanks for the🔥 warm🔥 welcome, Jack. No pun intended. Hey. Is this thing on?
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO PEEL THE PAINT OFF THE MUTHAF*CKIN WALLS RN.
When I turned 16, I started working at Jersey Freeze, a popular ice cream store in my hometown of Freehold, New Jersey (also hometown to Bruce Springsteen, thank you very much).
The job itself was amazing. I learned the value of a dollar earned, how to make the best milkshakes known to mankind (nice try In-N-Out and Johnny Rockets), and I worked with some of my very best friends. Those skills are relevant even today, like when I go to self-serve yogurt places and impress everyone with my neat and professional twists, compared to their dumpy piles of disappointment.
Anyhooooo, I learned something else at Jersey Freeze. About people. On any given day, we had 12 different flavors of soft serve ice cream, and that doesn’t even count the swirl for each machine or the toppings, milkshakes, and sundaes. We had a powerful rotation of flavors including butterscotch, blueberry, peanut butter, German chocolate cake, coconut, mint, black cherry, peach, pecan, and beyond. It was a wonderland of frozen flavors—every day could be something new and exciting.
Ice cream. This kid gets it.
You want to know something disappointing about the human race? With a magnificent array of flavors at their beckon call, the most popular flavors—without fail—were vanilla and chocolate, the absolute most boring flavors that ever existed.
Now, these flavors are great when you have no alternative—ice cream is better than no ice cream, and is one of the main reasons I believe in God. But let’s not get it twisted (sorry about these puns): vanilla is literally the metaphor for plain, boring, and unoriginal. And don’t get cocky, chocolate. There’s nothing quite as pathetic as being second place in a boring contest.
So here is my plea to everyone. As summer unfolds before you, show your mouth a little adventure. Try the Butter Brickle.
7/10 — Good news! Bacteria cannot live in this climate.
Like what you read this week? Enjoy last week’s #HotTakesTuesday with Jack O’Shea. And don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for another issue of Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea, brought to you by.