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When I was growing up, if you didn’t have a sweet collection of Livestrong bracelets on your wrist, a pack of Danimals in your lunch box, and a slick pair of Crocs on your feet, you might as well have been homeschooled.
Then, out of nowhere, Lance Armstrong became an outcast, Danimals disappeared from the shelves, and Crocs suddenly became about as unfashionable as a pair of transition glasses.
Granted, Crocs aren’t very cool when you look at them from a macro perspective. They’re clunky foam shoes that are apparently biodegradable. Is there anything LESS sexy than being good for the environment?
But Crocs are ridiculously comfortable. They’re amphibious shoes! They’re like slippers you can wear in the water. And just because the cool kids aren’t wearing Crocs anymore doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to wear a pair of shoes that are both comfortable AND practical!
Life is too short to not wear Crocs. Let’s all just act like mature adults and hop on the amphibious foam biodegradable slipper bandwagon again!
8/10 — Your transition glasses would be just barely translucent at this temp.
13 years ago, Morgan Spurlock ate McDonald’s every single day for a month. He gained a bunch of weight, got depressed, and inspired a witch hunt against Ronald McDonald, The Burger King, and Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua.
Gidget did nothing wrong #RIP
Less than six weeks later, McDonald’s got rid of it’s supersize portions in what has the be the overreaction since Sean Connery decided to quit acting because A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was so bad.
13 years is long enough! We’ve got kids celebrating their Bar Mitzvahs who don’t even remember supersizes!
Americans weren’t getting fat because of McDonald’s supersize portions. Case in point: we haven’t had them for more than a decade and people are still super fat. No, supersizes were just a scapegoat, like when that old guy in Footloose banned rock ‘n roll and dancing because his got in a car crash while drinking and driving.
Supersizes were nothing more than an awesome deal. You got like twice as many fries for just a quarter more. And we wonder why the stock market collapsed? Wake up sheeple! We don’t even understand good investments anymore!
McDonald’s gave us a chance, and we blew it because some jackass with a handlebar mustache made a shitty documentary.
We’re sorry Ronald. Give us a second chance.
6/10 — Hot and Spicy McChicken Sandwich
Don’t get me wrong—I hope that I never get shot by bullet or even shot at in general. But I watched The Defiant Ones the other day, and in one of the episodes there is a scene in which Dr. Dre gets a bullet removed from the spot on his calf where he had been shot 10 years ago. And in that moment, I felt a lot like Napoleon Dynamite when he saw Pedro’s sweetass bicycle.
Because while being shot definitely sucks, having been shot is about one step below owning a pet chimpanzee on the cool scale. I mean, in the words of former Ohio State All-American Shane Falco: “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.”
But honestly, why stop there? If you have a bullet scar, you might as well go for the trifecta: shark bite, bullet wound, lightning scar. I’m pretty sure if you’ve survived getting attacked by a shark, being shot, and being struck by lightning, you legally do not have to buy a drink for the rest of your life.
Again, I’m not saying that I want any of these things to actually happen to me, but if anyone has a time machine and wants to go back in time to shoot me in the forearm and toss me into shark infested waters in the middle of a thunderstorm, I will give you my entire Beanie Baby collection no questions asked.
9/10 — Shane Falco’s haircut.
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