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July 11th is an important day for a lot of reasons. It’s Lil’ Kim’s 43rd birthday.
It’s the 10th anniversary of Lady Bird Johnson’s death.
And, of course, it’s Free Slurpee Day at 7-Elevens across the globe.
FSD is the the annual day when mankind bum-rushes our second favorite convenience store in order to overflow comically large containers with shaved flavored ice. It’s also the day when we realize that Slurpees melt shockingly fast, and that drinking warm watered down syrup just isn’t as good as it ought to be.
It’s also the day when we realize that mixing Slurpee flavors is pretty much the same as mixing colognes or perfumes.
This is something we all must learn on our own. I once heard that Native Americans used to let their children touch fire so that they would know it was, like, super hot, and I think that is a solid metaphor for mixing Slurpee flavors.
Furthermore, there really are only 1.5 acceptable Slurpee flavors. The first is obviously Coca-Cola. Sure, the frothy brown may not be as sexy as the neon green or bright blue flavors 7-Eleven advertises. But that’s just because Coca-Cola doesn’t need to sell you with colors. They let their flavor do the talking.
The only other flavor that is even worth mentioning is whatever cherry flavor Slurpee has in the mix on a given day. This flavor should take up no more than 25 percent of your cup, and should be strictly used as a garnish, so that it tops off the cup, and you can actually say you “put a cherry on top.”
4/10 — At this temp, Slurpees will melt in T-45 seconds.
When the Chicago Cubs went on their run last season, Boston Red Sox fans warned the Windy City faithful that their perception around the sports world would change drastically if they won the World Series. I know it sounds obvious, but they will no longer be the lovable losers when they become winners.
Well, for the first time since the Boston Tea Party in 1773, Boston fans were actually right about something.
Now, I don’t hate the Cubs, but I certainly dislike them. Even more now that every Joe who ever visited Second City decided to “fly the W.” If you look up the word “bandwagon” in Webster’s dictionary, this image is all that comes up.
Which is why I am so happy that the Cubs are sucking. Well, they’re not sucking. They’re just sort of mediocre. But, when you’re given 3-1 odds to win the World Series before the season even starts, and finish the first half of the season with more losses than wins, it’s safe to say you’re not living up to expectations.
Hell, the only Cub who is actually living up to the hype is David Ross.
This is just so great for baseball fans. All the Cubs bandwagoners who hopped on for the ride last October and thought they were cutting the line for Space Mountain, are now realizing that they actually jumped on the Tomorrowland Transit Authority Peoplemover!
In the Cubs’ last game before the All-Star Break, Jon Lester (their 2016 NLCS MVP) gave up 2 home runs, 3 walks, 6 hits, and 10 runs before even finishing the first inning. That’s not mediocre. That’s miserable. And I, for one, am loving their misery.
6/10 — Chili mac & cheese
On July 28th, The Emoji Movie hits theaters. If you haven’t seen the trailer, the movie takes place inside a phone and is about an emoji that no longer wants to have just one emotion—or something like that, I only watched it once.
I don’t know why this movie was made, but I’m guessing it was made by the same out-of-touch adults that give their nieces and nephews fidget spinners and grumpy cat sweatshirts on their birthdays.
Sure, people use emojis. Some use them more than others. Most use emojis when they don’t know how to respond to a text but feel the need to respond so they don’t seem rude. They’re not cool, or hip, or even trendy. They’re just a modern extension of the alphabet, and no one tried making a movie out of that. Let’s stop shoving them down everyone’s throats.
5/10 — God, I’m turning into such a curmudgeon.
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