Hi. Hullo. Hi, hullo. It’s me, Jon Barns, writer for popular online magazine publication, The Prumpt. I’m here to teach you about comedic styles of writing. In this informative and hhumorous essay I hope to inform you about how to be as successful as me, Jon Barns, a man who should continue not cancelling his credit cards or looking into any of the messages his bank has been sending him about “Identify Theft,” whatever that is. Soon, youwill be able to cash fat pay checks in the valuable industry of “comedy essay writing,” as long as you continue submitting pieces of approximately five hundred words, on schedule, with the routine of a man who still owns all of his own personal informations. Follow these easy tips:
Now, I’m not a writer. Well, I am. I’m real writer, who is really named Jon Barns, and who really remembers to shred all bank documents and dispose of them in a way that protects him from identify theft. It is easy to prove that I am Jon Barns, because I have all of his passwords and security question answers. For instance, did you know that my password here at The Prampt website peroidical is “when_will_elijah_sloan_notice_me_abc123_password_characterlimits?” I know that my editor, KellyAnne Cochonan, knows this, because she asked me to verify that after I submitted an article with an “uncharacteristic number of typos” and “unusual formatting” for somebody who “owns a computer” with “spells check.” I have hit my word count for this first subheading and will now move on.
Please, if you’re reading this, I need help. He has my bank information and he knows where I live. I can’t afford to go through this right now. He thinks I get paid for writing these and is planning to keep submitting these under my name based on the assumption that he can continue draining my bank account after each submission. I need to pay rent. Kelaine, please, I don’t know if you read over these a second time after the initial edits but I need you to call the police. I’m so scared. I don’t think he’ll notice I changed this paragraph as long as I keep the word count exactly the same.
By now, Yule be around 400 words deep in your submission. Wow! Congratulate yourself on all the hard work by purchasing thirty pairs of Nike Air Jordan IVs to resell. Alternatively, for the true humor fan with an interest in really “making it” in this lucrative and fast-paced field, send your own 500 word essay to me, Jon Barns, along with a scanned copy of your social security card, most recent paystub, and birth certificate so that we can colloborate on more grate comedy punchlinejokes here at The Prempt. I was previously exactly thirteen words short of meeting a 500 word count.