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Life-changing opportunity for the class of 2018

What an honor it is to be speaking here today—in front of all these beautiful, bright-eyed, big-breasted graduates and at such a fantastic educational institution, too…

I am truly humbled that the university’s President succumbed to my incessant Facebook messages requesting to be your commencement speaker. And while I’m humbled, I’m not surprised.

You see, I am a modern rags-to-riches story. Through my experiences, I’ve gained unique insight on how to achieve your most ambitious goals, and I’d like to use this insight to lead every single one of you to a world of financial freedom.

If you’re skeptical – take one look at my Instagram, @financialfreedomnow, and you’ll see firsthand what success looks like. Spoiler alert – it looks like me on an impromptu 1-month vacation in the Greek islands.

For those of you neglecting social media, you may not recognize me. My name is Teddy Boncaccio. I’m a business owner making six-figures every month in residual income, and I have achieved the American dream.

And whether you realize it or not, by listening to me today, you’re all taking the first step towards this dream, to living your best life.

Today, you’re collecting a diploma. But that’s not your best life, that’s a worthless piece of paper that says “I’m in debt.”

Tonight, you’ll attend your final college parties. But that’s not your best life either—unless you’re finally sleeping with that busty career counselor I just met backstage.

And tomorrow, you’re officially out in the real world, and that’s where you find a job, wear a suit, and live your best life…right?

Wrong!

You’ve all been receiving terrible advice—I’m looking at you, busty career counselor. Seriously, I can’t stop looking at you.

I had friends and family pushing the same advice to me that you’re hearing now:

Learn a language, Teddy!”

Update your resume, Teddy!”

Stop flirting with your cousin, Teddy!

The problem was – I listened to this “traditional” advice and slaved away in a 9-to-5 office job, hoping for a small raise or promotion. I read emails, I wrote memos, I listened to my boss disparage me:

Wake up, Teddy!”

“Arrive before 11 A.M., Teddy!” “

“Stop flirting with the interns, Teddy!”

And what did all this career advice get me? A drinking habit, a herniated disc, and a lame girlfriend from Tinder whose favorite hobby was reading.

BARF!

I won’t pull any punches here. Without my advice, you are all inevitably on a path towards a similar situation—Sunday afternoons spent nose deep in fiction with some homely sex partner.

MORE BARF!

But – I was fortunate to come across a beacon of light in my darkest days. That beacon of light took the form of my high school’s former second string quarterback, Travis Polanski, who I’m now proud to call my mentor and friend.

Travis was posting photos on Facebook of his every day routine – yachts, champagne, canoodling with half-naked women that he definitely didn’t pay.

Travis was winning. Every. Single. Day.

Clearly, Travis knew something, yet he wasn’t some genius. In fact, we both failed our junior year remedial math together. If this guy could win, so could I.

Above all, Travis taught me the path to achieve financial freedom and gave me an opportunity to be a business owner, and this path led me here today in a supercharged Tesla and Giovanni DiLinguini suit.

And because I am so grateful for Travis’s mentorship, I want to offer all of you the same chance to live your best life. I’d like to invite all of you to get in on the ground-floor of a life-changing business opportunity.

Backed by research coming out of a university, my company, Nuovocore, has patented a set of elixirs that can increase the possibility of avoiding depression – and we are looking for new team members looking to take control of their lives while building connections with successful people across the country.

Under my stewardship, you’ll not only be on a fast-track to penthouse orgies, you’ll be providing the most desperately depressed people a solution that no therapist or professional doctor would ever recommend.

So after today’s ceremony, please find me in the parking lot—in fact, I’ll find all of you on Facebook messenger —and we can discuss how to get started by enrolling in my brand new 5-week Financial Freedom Masterclass.

Congratulations again to all of you for taking the first step to financial freedom. To the naysayers, enjoy watching the rest of us win on Instagram.

Jared Hutchinson

Jared Hutchinson thanks you for letting him be Mice Elf for once.

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