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The New Orleans Saints and Kansas City Chief will play each other next Sunday in an unprecedented makeup Super Bowl, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday morning.

“What you have just seen is one of the sorriest attempts at playing a sport that I have ever seen,” Goodell said as he refused to hand New England Patriots’ owner and Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers’ villain, Robert Kraft, the Vince Lombardi trophy. “At no point in your flailing, incoherent attempt at plays were you even close to anything that could be considered football. Everyone in this stadium is now dumber for having watched it.”

Goodell, the Commissioner of the No Fun League (NFL), admitted that a boring game, resulting in New England’s sixth championship in 17 years, was the main driver for the new game at a press conference Monday morning. “That game was boring, plain and simple. Our fans deserve better.”

“You won’t get away with this,” Kraft screamed into the microphone as Goodell tore through the crowd. Only jeers and cheers from the few remaining sleepy football fans who suffered through the entire “sporting event” responded.

Kraft told the audience that Goodell was just trying to pay the Patriots back for cheating so many times. “So we cut corners and won? So what? You can’t take this one away from us, Roger! That’s my trophy!”

Goodell denied Monday that the decision had anything to do with his long standing animosity towards the Patriots. Instead, he pointed to the league’s recent decision to be the National Football League. “We’ve spent billions of dollars rebranding the league as a top tier football division, where the best of the best put on an entertaining display of their talents. Last night’s game fell short of that vision.”

Fans were dumbstruck with how bad the game was. As it ended, people were wondering who really deserved the Super Bowl MVP award. Tom Brady was bad. No one on defense stood out. Johnny Hekker did break a Super Bowl record, but it was for longest punt and that’s not exactly MVP-worthy. Plus, his team lost. Could you just give it to the fans who suffered through the entire game?

When reached for comment, Kansas City Chiefs’ coach Andy Reid was found sobbing quietly to himself in his office, rocking in a fetal position and mumbling, “You can do it, Andy! Pull yourself together.” There were crumbs and challenge flags everywhere!

The city of New Orleans couldn’t be reached for comment. Texas State Police, who were the closest to respond to the incident, said the entire city is frozen in a catatonic state of disbelief.

“Sometimes when you get what you want, the shock is hard to deal with,” Dr. Alice Straenden, a psychologist at Georgia Tech, told The Prompt.

Here’s hoping we all wake up in time to watch a better football game than what we were forced to watch last Sunday.

Thomas Viehe

Thomas Viehe prefers pop over soda, loo over toilet, fall over autumn. He lives with his wife and dog in a remote part of the country, Washington, D.C.

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