Please don’t call us nationalists for wanting to love our states so much.

In the crescendo of perhaps the weirdest love song ever, we sing the words, “America, America, God shed his grace on thee.” America is beautiful though, and each of its fifty, nifty states deserves a shot at love (and lust) no matter what they look like. We asked our writers to tell us which states they would most and least like to stick their flags in.

Mike Stiriti’s List

So we’re talking fuckable states, huh? OK, let’s do it.

Here are my rankings of the Top 5 Most and Least Fuck-Worthy States. I am not including Puerto Rico, they have been fucked enough.

TOP 5:

1. Hawaii

Are you looking for an orgy? Look no further than the most recent state to join the union. If you get sick of the main island, you have seven more to mess around with, not to mention all the atolls and islets you can grab onto.

2. Colorado

Appears to be square, but actually very progressive in the sack. The legal post-sex blunt is the icing on the fuck cake.

3. Florida

Pros: You can’t do anything in bed that would shock Florida; Florida has done it all. Also, there are a lot of things you can do with a peninsula.

Con: You now have an STD.

4. Massachusetts

Ignore the Puritanical history, this state has tons of experience. Perfect for championship celebration sex. When pleasuring the Cape, don’t forget to give some attention to the islands.

5. New Jersey

A little dirty, a little grimy, but a good side-piece. Curves in all the right places. The goomar of states.

BOTTOM 5:

1. Alaska

Just way too big… where would you even start?? It is also way too cold… and depending on the time of year, it would never get dark. You can’t fuck something this big with the lights on.

2. Tennessee

Arkansas may be a total prude, smack in-the-middle of the Bible Belt. But Tennessee is also prude, in the Bible Belt, and flat. Nowhere to put anything

3. North -or- South Dakota

Depending on your top/bottom or dominant/submissive preferences.

4. Iowa

I have a horrible vision of a corn cob going somewhere I don’t want it to go.

5. Alabama

Unless your cousin is Alabama, you have no shot.

Lauren Layman’s List

Okay, it was just Valentine’s Day and I’m still feeling sentimental, so I made a V-list instead of an F-list. I know this wasn’t the assignment, but when else am I going to get a chance to write Valentines to the states?!?!

TOP FIVE

1. Hawaii

Hawaii, you top my list

My reasons are not witty

I’m putting you at number one

Because you’re young and pretty

2. Colorado

Nestled in among six states

You’ve already touched a lot

But, Colorado, please make room for me

Because I think you’re hot

3. Illinois

Illinois, when it comes to you,

I never did much thinkin’

But you must be good enough for me

If you were good enough for Lincoln

4. Delaware

By at least one measure,

Delaware is second to none

First state in the union, and—

Looking good for 231!

5. Idaho

Idaho, they’ll laugh at us,

But I say eff the haters

You may not be conventionally hot

But I happen to like taters.

BOTTOM FIVE

1. Wisconsin

Wisconsin, I want to love you

But I end up feeling wary

This relationship will never work

If you keep eating so much dairy

2. North Dakota

Not the most exciting state,

Not even best Dakota—

North D. it’s so not happening

Not even an iota

3. Kentucky

Kentucky, you are not my type

I’m not buying what you’re serving

But things could maybe turn around

With the right amount of bourbon

4. Nevada

Nevada, with all of your slots

I will not be investing

For me it’s always a hard pass

On gambling mixed with nuclear testing

5. Florida

Florida, the Sunshine State

You are just so damn weird

There’s not enough sunshine in the world—

Period. We’re done here.

Josh Bard’s List

TOP 5

1) Vermont/New Hampshire

If you aren’t from New England you probably don’t have much reason to know which one is which, BUT these two are most definitely 69-ing and reciprocation is very sexy in a relationship. If Gronk knew anything about geography, couldn’t you just see him retiring and moving right to the border of Vermont/New Hampshire because he thinks its funny?

2) Florida

Florida is the mate you know might kill you. Florida has a streak of blue in its hair, and you aren’t sure if it’s on purpose or if it’s from too much chlorine. You can see Florida’s thong through, and just over its pants, and you can’t stop staring at it. Florida is going to try to convince you to try bath salts when you get it home. Florida is going to fuck you, one way or another.

3) Idaho

Just look at Idaho and all of her beautiful curves and angles; I bet she got them from her mama. Idaho is not fat but most definitely thicc underneath. Plus any state whose name literally translates to the admission, “I am an excessively sexual being,” (I, da ho) needs to be making top 5 lists. Just look at Montana, burying its face deep into Idaho’s bosom.

4. Kentucky

Kentucky is hung like a horse. Also check out it’s northern border, ribbed for Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio’s pleasure. What a giver!

5. California

Look, I didn’t want to want to fuck California, because everyone does, it is so obvious. It’s not just size but the motion of the ocean. California can be hot, and it can be cool, and it fucking knows it. I couldn’t resist. California likes sports, and movies, and great food, and going for hikes. California is photogenic as hell. I just want California to like me.

BOTTOM 5

1. Delaware

Delaware is very very unsexy. Look at this picture of Delaware here, getting straight cucked, as Maryland makes it sit back and watch as it gets nasty with West Virginia. Shameful.

2. South Carolina

South Carolina is either a little choad, or a growth off North Carolina’s under-dick. Either way you don’t want any part in that. Also, South Carolina wants to let its freak flag fly, but you don’t know if that flag means “No lifeguards on duty” or “States’ rights.” Either way, you don’t want any part in that.

3. Alaska

Look, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage!

4. New York

Sorry everyone from New York who I am sure will take major offense to any slight of their state with the alleged best everything, but New York should not be fucked. Hey, check out Long Island, New York’s micropenis erection, creeping on Connecticut. Oh you don’t think Long Island is a micropenis? Then why does it have so many giant yachts?

5. Arizona

Arizona is a hateful, disgusting state. The only reason we’re hearing about Virginia’s politician’s problematic yearbook photos—and not Arizona’s—is because Arizonans don’t even graduate. I wouldn’t fuck Arizona with Florida’s dick in North Carolina’s bathrooms.