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“You’ll never buy a drink in this town again,” they said. That was a promise. The mayor said it on a podium in front of a crowd. It was Jason Bobawitz Day. May 17th, 2012. Look it up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Waitwaitwait. Wait, I have the video on my phone. I can show you. You HAVE TO honor that.

No. No. Seriously. No. Seriously. Take the phone and watch it. Just take it. It’s like a minute long.

I don’t care if you didn’t agree to that. It was a city-wide proclamation. Are you above proclamation status? Do you have more power than the mayor?

Look sir, you’re not the first and I’m sure you won’t be the last to give me guff about this. But I’ll tell you what I told Jimmy at The Bar Fly, and Sandy at Sandy’s Bar and Grill, and Craig at the Taco Bell Cantina:

I am a G-D hero and I don’t pay for drinks in this town.

No, I haven’t drunk my way through half the bars in town. That is a ridiculous and offensive question.

Doesn’t matter to me who is the one who is paying for it. I didn’t ask the mayor for all the logistics. That would have been rude. Just send the bill to him, for all I care.

I have a direct line to him and I won’t hesitate to call right now, if you won’t provide me service.

Fine, I don’t have his number anymore. You got me there. He gave it to me once but he stopped answering it and must have changed it. But you can call him and ask him. Believe me, he’s sorted out people way tougher than you.

You just watched the video, did he say I couldn’t order Red Bull Vodka? No, he didn’t. He said Jason Bobawitz will never pay for another drink in this town. What’s not to get? It’s really very straightforward.

The lady on the other side of the bar is giving us dirty looks. She probably thinks you’re being a jerk.

This doesn’t have to be hard. I ask for a drink and you give it to me. I drink the drink and then ask for another drink. I’m not asking you for a steak. I would never take advantage of this.

A key to the city used to mean something.

Now I am getting into arguments with some guy who thinks people want Heineken on draft. Okay, buddy.

You want to know what I did to earn this? Would you ask a man with one arm how he got only one arm? Would you ask a veteran to show proof of fighting in a war? Would you ask a pregnant lady who knocked her up… and what she was doing at a bar anyways?

You know what you do? You are the type of person who doesn’t appreciate other people’s work and sacrifice. Their livelihood. And you laugh. Yup, there you go again. You just laugh at this like it’s some big joke.

Well, when some guy… any person, for that matter. When someone in the future is thinking about rushing into a burning school or climbing up a tree to rescue a scared neighborhood cat, and wonders if they will be laughed at by some bartender who doesn’t believe in rewarding heroes… that is on YOU. The blood is on YOUR hands. You are going to live with that guilt every time there is a tragedy.

If it were up to you, I bet there would be no more heroes.

I bet you would charge SEAL Team Six full price for everything in this shithole.

Fine, just charge me for a Bud Light, but I think we both know I’m not tipping.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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