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Fuck equestrian dressage and the horse it rode in on.

What’s equestrian dressage? It’s basically horse dancing. It is horseback riding with no purpose. It’s the crap you have to sit through at Medieval Times, before you get to the storyline or the jousting. Dressage is awful to think about and worse to watch. It’s an activity for rich people, that only impresses other rich people, and while that is a long standing tradition on planet Earth, it is not a sport and should not be in the Olympics. If Sha’Carri Richardson can’t be a part of the Olympics, neither can some stupid prancing horsies.

New rule for the Olympics: Equestrian Dressage is immediately kicked out of the games.

The horse is doing ALL OF THE WORK, yet the human gets the medal. I doubt the horse is aware of this injustice, but I haven’t been able to confirm it. If we are going to offer Equestrian Dressage in the Olympics, I don’t think the humans should get medals as much as silver spoons. A golden silver spoon for the best horse rider, a silver silver spoon for the second place, and a bronze silver spoon for the person who comes in third and disappoints their entire stable and country club.

You want a not-so-fun fact? Every dressage gold medal—both team and individual—has been won by European nations. Do we find it surprising that the same nations that colonized multiple continents would continue parading around their horses and giving themselves gold medallions?

Horses are majestic creatures, far better than we disgusting humans, and look how we, a bunch of piddling bi-pedaled, unathletic dipshits, make them submit. High knees like they are at high school football practice. Elbows out like a drunk bro at a wedding when Earth, Wind, and Fire comes on. While it is incredible to watch horses run and leap with their powerful bodies, it is depressing to  watch horses methodically step like they are trying to wake their legs up after sitting on the toilet a little too long.

Think of all of the sports that don’t get Olympic status. Cricket, lacrosse, softball (leaving the Olympics after this year), and even something awesome but maybe not so sporty, like tug-of-war.

Dressage is not a sport. It’s not even almost a sport. It’s barely an action verb.

And putting it alongside the world’s best competitors invalidates all of the incredible work the real athletes have put in to get to the Olympics. Maybe equestrian dressage had a place in the early 1900s Olympics, but now that we’ve invented skateboards and table tennis and basketball, we can let these horses out of the barn.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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