Dr. Manners on Hosting a {Historical Dinner}

In a world torn apart by incivility, polite behavior may be the sole separation between man and animal. As the only advice columnist with an advanced degree in etiquette, Dr. Manners stands at the ready to elucidate, clarify, and educate.

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Dear Dr. Manners: I am the head of PR for a very large tech company you may have seen in the news recently. We just perfected the ability to go back in time and bring back objects to the present.

The next thing they’re going to try is bringing people back from different times, and my boss said that it’d be “great PR” to have them sit down together for dinner! And I’m in charge… but I am a bachelor who can’t cook and hates going out to parties.

The dinner is in three days. What does Dr. Manners suggest?

Genteel Reader: The role of dinner host is not for the infirm. While a more introspective socialite with your stated shortcomings may have wisely (but politely) declined to volunteer, Dr. Manners understands these obligations are a bit more tough to navigate when your employer is involved.

Dr. Manners does not wish to alarm you unduly, but you should know that the proper dinner host is responsible for selecting the menu and milieu before the event, keeping a steady flow of conversation during the dinner, and providing multiple opportunities for guests to leave politely afterward.

While Dr. Manners is a miracle worker in several senses of the word, he hopes that you do not consider it a literal description. There are times where the politest response is a tasteful, yet frank, disabusing of illusions. (The art of knowing which, Gentle Reader, is of course the essence of good etiquette.)

Simply put, three days is not sufficient time for even the most devoted student of the social graces to learn how to properly host a dinner party. A bulleted list is the best that Dr. Manners can do with such short notice; he will allow you the excuse of work-related stress for such an egregious request.

Regarding the Menu, Placement, and Seating

Some of the most important decisions you make will surround these three core areas.

• Will your guests be allergic to ingredients of any common dishes, or could any of the ingredients be sacred to any of their cultures and traditions? Take care that one guest’s favorite dish is not another one’s god.
• While a full formal table setting is of course required, consider the need for alternative utensils such as trenchers or chopsticks. Do be aware that some guests may simply prefer to eat with their hands. Be prepared to have the waitstaff respond smartly by removing unused cutlery during the service.
• Consider seating arrangements carefully. Dr. Manners suggests a round table with no head seat. Historical figures, by nature, are prone to perceived slights on their importance.
• While Dr. Manners feels it needs not be said, you should most certainly not seat leaders of opposing armies either next to each other or across from each other. Autocrats and key figures in their respective resistance movements should also be separated by at least one seat.

Regarding the Dinner and Entertainment

You’ll want your guests to feel delighted to be in attendance. Remember, their time is/was/always will be valuable, so make this dinner party worth their while.

• It is polite to begin the meal with a brief and neutrally worded statement of thanks. If there are any actual divinities present, it is inappropriate to direct the prayer to them. They remain your guests; one does not expect one’s guests to bless food no more than you would solicit legal advice from a visiting lawyer.
• For the occasion, Dr. Manners recommends service à la russe, should any of your guests be famously impoverished, on a hunger strike, or otherwise unaccustomed to large portions.
• Light music is expected. Do take care, should you be hosting any composers, not to feature any of their oeuvre. It is all too easy to inadvertently offend the famed artist’s temper by showcasing their least preferred piece.
• Given your guests, it may seem impossible to stay away from politics and religion at the table. Dr. Manners suggests that you ensure your guests do not speak any mutual languages and provide them with United Nations interpreters, who are skilled at the art of diplomacy through translation.

Other Points to Consider

A few remaining pointers, to ensure this goes smoothly.

• Guests should be accommodated before dinner with both cocktails and a polite white lie that they are dreaming. It is poor manners indeed to ask your guests to contemplate their mortality and place in time before the third course.
• You had not specified the guests, but Dr. Manners hopes you did not allow them to be chosen by online poll. There are no real guidelines for how to have a dinner party with Hitler.
• While it is custom for dinner guests to bring gifts for their hosts, you should not expect them in this case. The gracious host allows their guests several weeks, if not months, of time to consider the invitation and compose an artful excuse for not attending. Dr. Manners suspects that you will probably be kidnapping these fine people to attend your sordid gathering and that their presence alone should probably suffice.