Dear Pythia: It’s The End of the World As We Know It

Pythia Defool’s advice column, “Ask Roger,” was a mainstay in the Chattanooga Tribune from 1976-1983. It was later renamed “Ask Pythia” following the landmark Supreme Court Case, Lady v. Florida, which granted women the right to have their names appear in print. Dear Pythia is a revival of her classic advice column and is composed in beautiful downtown Tampa Bay. For advice, email DearPythia@Gmail.com.

Dear Pythia:

AH!!! WHY, GOD?! WHYYY?! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! WHYYYYYY?!

Sincerely,
Miss Takes

Dear Miss,

Your anguish reminds me of an archived letter from my great-granduncle, Li’l Treat, about his invention of peach skin knickers (made from real Georgia peaches). Li’l Treat had a penchant for writing as he ambled around the prairie and during this particular letter he stumbled into a nest of fire ants. As ants feasted on his peach skin knickers, Li’l Treat continued writing that letter, including descriptions of ants skittering across his buttocks and transcriptions of his unbridled screams. It’s one of our most cherished family heirlooms because of Li’l Treat’s incredible determination.

And now I’ve come to receive your letter, Miss.

The causes of your anguish could be numerous: death of a friend, loss of a limb, watching your enemies prevail. Your anguish may be especially acute if your enemy is a grizzly lunching on your friend after eating your ankles. (If I’m off-base, it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of late-night National Geographic.)

No matter the cause of your crisis, never forget that no one can take away your attitude. You may choose to be despondent and scream into your email, but I’d recommend choosing bravery. To be brave you need neither answers nor a plan. All you need is the determination to continue living without completely losing your shit.

Just look at my great-granduncle, Li’l Treat. Not long after his reconstructive surgery, he revisited his plans for peach skin knickers and realized cotton would be a more sustainable material. He went on to establish Fruit of the Loom and his great-grandchildren now have more wealth than most of Eastern Europe.