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To Whom It May Concern:

After a long series of phone calls, e-intros, and prayer, I have found this job opening, and—as my sister’s former roommate let you know—my application is coming your way. Undoubtedly, this will put an end to the arduous process of networking that produced a lot of coffee, and until today, little results.

With this job, I expect to gain an introductory sense of financial security, a proverbial foot in the door, and most importantly, something to tell my mom so she finally leaves me alone. In fact, she is so proud of me, when she heard I was applying to your position, she said: “You should have gone to law school.”

I graduated from an expensive liberal arts college in May of 2018 with a degree in social justice advocacy.

Although I protested every single decision my college’s leadership made, including doubling the portion of the endowment dedicated to need-blind aid (it’s not THAT they did it, it’s HOW they did it, without my input), I do not have a vocational skill-set, per se. However, I want to reassure you, that I know that to get a start, I must do whatever is asked of me. Ben Rhodes, an advisor to President Obama, told the guys on an episode of Pod Save America (I love those guys, do you know them by any chance? Would love to work there) that to get started in politics, you should go “intern on a campaign somewhere.”

That was AFTER his parents paid for his MFA in writing.

So, my social justice poems can get written when I’m already an influencer. For now, no task is too small, I will mop the floors! As long as it does not interfere with my regularly scheduled therapy.

Like other millennials, I do believe in the “trophy-for-participation” culture I was raised in. Therefore, I will not be satisfied with one career-path or one career-goal, demanding too much respect from institutions as I bounce between them. Therefore, the desultory job culture of the 21st century is one that suits me. Use me up! Burn me out! It’s okay, my parents bought me a condo.

My previous work experience includes volunteering for Beto O’Rourke.

Like him, I livestream every single experience of my life on social media: the doctor, those therapy sessions, late/weird nights where I solo-protest Facebook by licking the wall. Not only is it good branding, you don’t have to scrub my social media presence for anything damaging. It’s all out there, therefore, none of it is damaging.

See? Good branding.

Although that campaign lost, I did not lose my sense of public duty, proving millennials are more civic-minded than previous generations.

Unique to me, I enjoy working in a fast-paced and intellectually-stimulating work environment, where I will be called upon to utilize my strongest professional assets, as well as develop new ones. I am confident that my past experiences have positioned me to be a valuable contributor to your office, and I am enthusiastic about the prospect of joining your team.

Also, it says pay will be commensurate with experience? If so, is that zero? Is this an internship? If that’s the case, I want you to know it’s fashionable to pay interns these days. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez does, and she has like, 2 million followers. My salary expectation is $35/hour, or, roughly, $75K/year, on par with my current allowance.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Eager to Change the World

Robin Doody

Thinks of himself as the love-child of Tim Riggins and Max Fischer.

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