{College Application Letter} from the Real Person Mr. Chimaobi Kumalo of Uganda

TO: application@umd.edu
FROM: djjj771@realniceliving.tv
SUBJECT: FWD: FWD: NICE TO KNOW YOU

Dear Beloved Applications Committee:

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Chimaobi Kumalo, and I am writing that you may permit me acceptance into your wonderful institution that I have heard many good things about. You see, I am a 17 year-old refugee of Sudan, and I am currently seeking asylum in the many wonderful United States of America. I am also desirable to attend University and have found your wonderful institution listed in an issue of Men’s Fitness magazine at our clinic here in Bidi Bidi refugee camp in Uganda.

Mr. Faso, who works at the refugee camp has told me that I shall write a letter and fill out forms to be going to your fine University. Mr. Faso says that I should write about three things that will demonstrate my desire and abilities. He says Americans love to be explained three things always.

First, I am hard working.

There are some in Bidi Bidi who are lazy and rely only on handouts from UN. But not me, Mr. Chimaobi Kumalo. I not only work construction job at day, but also I am taking bus to Mbarara University of Science and Technology every day to work with Doctor Gerry Lambeau who is expert in math and especially in very advanced math that are hard to understand but Gerry Lambeau and myself understand them. I have included a picture as proof of my experience. Sorry for fuzzy picture but we only have second generation iPhones in Bidi Bidi for taking pictures.

This is picture of Doctor Lambeau and myself sitting in his office at MUST to solve infamous triangle trapped inside of another triangle problem.

Second, I am bringing many unique life experiences.

This is important because in your Men’s Fitness magazine advertisement you state that you are looking for “students who will bring their many unique life experiences to our campus.” Besides growing up a refugee in Bidi Bidi I have also had other unique life experiences. Such as the time I was on a boat trying to escape civil war in Sudan when our ship was sunk by Somali pirates. Everyone on the ship perished except myself and a Bengal tiger whom I named Robert Parker. We shared a lifeboat for 227 days and I managed to survive as you may now know because of this email I have presently written to you! This was a very unique life experience that I would be willing to share with your many students if you accept me.

Third, I am pleased to inform you that I, Mr. Chimaobi Kumalo am not Sudanese by birth, but Nigerian.

This I have only learned about in some near time. And my father was heir to throne in Benin Kingdom. I am certain that your fine institution is having many different kinds of people but surely I am offering your first chance to have a real Nigerian Prince! I am certain this would be a wonderful story in your alumni letters.

So you see beloved applications committee, I am Prince Chimaobi Kumalo who has had many unique experiences with tigers and am very good at advanced math that many people do not know. I would be very fine addition to your wonderful institution. Doctor Gerry Lambeau is certain I will be youngest Nobel Prize winner ever one day. This would be very wonderful to list in your advertisements in Men’s Fitness magazine along with my harrowing tale at sea.

It is true that as a Prince i have inherited much fortune.

Unfortunately, the inheritance left to me by my father is not available until I turn 20. Therefore I would request that you send to me my scholarship money that you will be offering because I am very talented mathematician and Prince. Please I can ask that you provide the money in Bitcoin to the address I will post below because I cannot trust the officials in Bidi Bidi who are very corrupt. Since I have seen that your tuition is $42,184 per year, PLEASE SEND ME $168,736.00 or 11.31 BTC. I can handsomely pay back all these scholarship costs after I am 20 and am willing to even offer some of my fortune to be used for making scholarships for your wonderful institution.

Please act urgently as I have been offered many offers from other wonderful universities in United States such as University of Frostburg Maryland who are also eager to have a prince and student who knows many advanced maths and habits of Bengal tigers.

Remain blessed,
Mr. Chimaobi Kumalo
Bidi Bidi Refugee Camp, Uganda
BTC Address: 1BvBMSEYstWetqTFn5Au4m4GFg7xJaNVN2