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Greetings, the Terrible Dimension! This is The Good Dimension—hey, we’re sorry about the name you got. We would change it if we could, but the Pan-Dimensional Authority told us we’re stuck with the names we’ve got. If you like, maybe we can just call you “the T. Dimension?” Wait, we’re getting a gravity wave transmission from the Pan-Dimensional Authority—apparently, there’s already a T-Dimension, where everybody is the letter T. Wow, the multiverse is pretty crazy, huh? Haha. They also threatened us with dimensional annihilation if we don’t adhere to the name thing, so… sorry, but the Terrible Dimension’s what you’ve got.

(We also looked up Tea Dimension, Tee Dimension, Terri. Dimension, and “Terrible” Dimension—say it like you’re French—but it turns out they’re all taken. Everything is made of tea, everyone is playing tee-ball, everything is made of terrycloth, and there’s one where it’s all of you still but everyone is French. Sorry! We’re trying, pal, I promise.)

In the interest of Pan-Dimensional diplomacy, we’d like to share more of our culture with you, as you’re our closest neighbors! Here’s our most commonly used calendar, though of course, many cultures have their own, and we both love and respect that. We’ve got all the calendars of other cultures memorized, just we know what’s going on with them! If you send your calendar over, we’d love to do the same. We bet there will even be some similarities, given that our dimensional membranes are situated so close to each other in the Hyper-Dimensional Nexus!

The following is our Georginian Calendar—so named for Pope Georgina XIII, Her High Holiness—and it fixed the issues our ancestors had with the Julian Calendar—so named for Julia Caeser, Empress of Rome, a diplomatic empire that spanned all of Europe and brokered a permanent peace with the Germanic tribes of the North.

Here are some holiday highlights and major events:

New Year’s Day

A day of celebration, when we bring in the New Year, and create resolutions that we stick to every day, creating better versions of ourselves (and by association, a better version of the whole world). We anticipate a coming crisis in the next decade, as we’ve all kind of run out of resolutions—we all weigh healthy amounts, eat well, and treat others with kindness, so we’re not sure really what to do next. Any ideas would be appreciated!!!

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

MLK was a great speaker, who was just so happy that all races get along well and always have gotten along well—he gave tons of speeches celebrating it! He led a long and happy life, dying at a natural age of natural causes, after being investigated by the FBI (our Friendship Bureau of Investigation—they find out interesting things about people you can use as conversation starters! They would also investigate crime, if there was any.).

The Super Bowl

Usually in February, it’s a debate tournament that always leads to interesting conversation. Nobody picks a side, because tribal allegiances based on where you were born lead to dangerous ideas about nationalistic politics (of course). Nobody wears headgear, because contact sports are dangerous and lead to concussions. And who would be entertained by violence, anyway?

Presidents Day

A day to celebrate our presidents, all of whom are moral leaders, and none of whom have ever been investigated for corruption—don’t even know why that needs to be bothered being said, but just in case.

Saint Patrick’s Day

A day to drink herbal tea, relax, and center yourself in healthy habits, as you ponder your Irish heritage—of course, only the truly Irish participate in this. It’d be weird otherwise.

Memorial Day

Remembering those who, in service to their country, were uncomfortable, or even just minorly inconvenienced—it’s the worst thing that could happen to them, and we thank them for their sacrifice.

Independence Day

A day of celebration we have here in Good Dimension America, where we remember how we asked the British for independence and they were happy to give it to us. Afterwards, we wrote a constitution that gave equal rights to all men and women, of all races and creeds. The Nation of United Native Tribes right next door celebrates too—why wouldn’t they? We’re pals!

Labor Day

Where we honor laborers, not because they’ve had to fight tooth and nail for like, workers’ rights (haha, wouldn’t that be awful?), but just because they work hard and we like to make sure they’re appreciated! This country was built on labor, and we would never forget, undercompensate, or oppress them. We love them so much, our wealthiest citizens happily put up the majority of their income for social welfare programs to help them out when needed.

Columbus Day

Again, purely American holiday, celebrating the peaceful diplomat Christopher Columbus, who landed in these lands that had already been discovered by the native peoples. They gave up a little land nobody wanted, and America was eventually born! It’s pretty small though—I mean, why wouldn’t it be? There’s all those native tribes already living here, and we’d never want to take more than they offer.

Veterans Day

Honoring those who have been doing whatever they do for a long time, and are just really good at it. You can learn a lot from a veteran of a craft! What? No, I don’t know what that is. A “war?” Sorry, Terrible Dimension, we might have to exchange dictionaries too, I think. And I can’t wait!!! I’m so excited to learn what “war” is!!!!!!!!!

Election Day

We don’t have one of these this year, and generally, we all agreed to take some time off from politics—sometimes we have minor disagreements, and it’s just a little too stressful. Like, should teachers get double their income, or three times as much?!?! President Clinton agreed, we should just take a month long break—paid for government workers, of course.

Thanksgiving Day

We celebrate how we’ve always gotten along with native tribes, and always have! We eat tofu, because animals are sentient beings who feel pain and deserve mercy. Then we all watch a big Football debate with our families, who we only ever get along with and love. It’s great!

Christmas Day

On December 25th, we celebrate the birthday of our lord & savior, Justin Trudeau (1971).

Can’t wait to hear back about all the wonderful holiday in your universe, Terri—write back soon!!!

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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