There are a lot of Hot Calendar Takes out there, and generally I support them all.
Abolish Daylight Saving and just stay in whichever setting makes it get dark later in the day? Yes. Move Christmas to the end of January? Absolutely. Make the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday? Sure.
But I am not here to stan for those logical and necessary changes. I am here for Halloween.
This needs to happen for a few reasons.
Weekday Halloween is weird if you’re of trick-or-treating age. Obviously, if you’re of that age, you’re still going out to get that nougat. You have to go home and suit up, or freshen up if you wore your costume during the school day. It’s too rushed.
And the specter of school the next day really dampens your spirits. There’s no way you can properly enjoy your haul. And what if you have homework to do? Horrible.
Let’s not forget the candy distributors. Weekday Halloween messes with their headspace, as well. If I’m going to properly feign amazement and some kid’s Black Panther pajama/costume-hybrid, it can’t be a damn Tuesday when I have to work tomorrow.
Having Halloween on Saturday eliminates these problems, while still allowing for class parties on Friday to build the hype and serve as a dress rehearsal for costumes.
Now that we’ve dealt with the kids, let’s address the sad adults clamoring for some kind of excuse to experience fun, joy, and creativity. Weekday Halloween is a real Nightmare on Elm Street for us, too.
There is never any consensus on which weekend to celebrate. If Halloween is a Thursday, you either put on your costume to go bar-hopping on October 26th or November 2nd. Celebrating Halloween in November is embarrassing, and seeing people in costume almost a week before the holiday is jarring.
Saturday Halloween takes out the guesswork and eliminates any chances of you being the only jamoke in a costume and Set ‘Em Up Jacks.
There are some people who will tell you that Halloween should simply be moved to the last Saturday in October, whichever date that happens to fall on. These people lack the gumption to be the true thought leaders we need to properly disrupt the calendar. Allow me to hollow out your mind like a jack-o’-lantern and insert the flickering candle of a brand new paradigm that will guide you like an ember from hell inside of a turnip giving light to the soul of dead Irishman.
Halloween needs to always be on a Saturday, and that Saturday must be the last day of October.
Your mind is blown? Of course it is. You’re thinking “That makes not sense, October doesn’t always end on a Saturday.” Well, let me scoop up the orange gunk and seeds that are your brain remnants and puree them with how this will actually work.
In the Dennisian calendar, October will have however many days are necessary in order for the last day to be Saturday. This will be accomplished by adding and subtracting days.
If October 31st is a Thursday, then Halloween will be on Saturday, October 33rd. Is October 29th a Saturday? Then the next day is November 1st. We’re tossing Sunday, October 30th and Monday, October 31st out like so many uneaten candy corn. We don’t need them.
If the 31st falls on a Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday then days will be added to get a Saturday finale. If the 31st would fall on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday then those days are jettisoned. October now lasts between 28 to 34 days.
And when October 31st falls on a Saturday? Super Halloween. Madness in the streets. Law requires that all Halloween candy be King-Sized. Any cis-man over the age of 21 not wearing a slutty version of a costume is subject to egging. “Buy 2, Get One Free” Frankenstein shots. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.
I will admit that there are some kinks to work out. But isn’t working out your kinks what Halloween is all about?
Extending and contracting a month will give us years that vary in lengthy by up to a week. This is not unprecedented. Without looking it up, do you know how many days are in February this year? No one knows until February 5th. Sure we could flip ahead one page in on our calendars, but we won’t. It’s a fun surprise. My point is that we already has a month that fluctuates in length, what’s one more? Besides, some math nerd might realize that a variable October evens out over the long run and we don’t have to compensate for it in other ways. And if it doesn’t, then we can adjust other months.
The reason that we can’t simply migrate Halloween to the last Saturday and be done is that Halloween and all of its spookiness needs to be immediately followed by All Saints Day/Día de los Muertos. It’s a one-two punch. Halloween falling on the final, guaranteed Saturday of October means that All Saints day always happens on a Sunday, which is good for the church-going crowd and Latinx Americans.
As an extra bonus, months that start on a Sunday have a Friday the 13th. So, in the Dennisian calendar, every November 13th is a Friday the 13th—boom—Second Halloween. Go back and watch the Jason movies you didn’t get around to in October. Did you know he went to outer space?
There you have it, I solved the headache that is a weekday Halloween. Now it’s on you to get on board. If this goes well, we can tackle the issue of making all major drinking holidays fall on Saturdays. Next we’ll get St. Patrick’s Day on a Saturday. Then, and this one will be trickier, making sure that Cinco de Mayo is always on a Saturday. Hang on! Those days that we added to or took away from October can come from April and help get every Cinco de May on a Saturday! Make me Calendar Czar.
 Or the NFL could be the hero and move the Super Bowl to Saturday, a day that is already followed by a day of rest.
 Nailed it.