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Okay, fine, I am a murderer, but I’m not a monster. I like to think of myself as someone who made a mistake, but also someone who was felled by, and a victim of, some pretty crazy circumstances. I mean, just think about it. My mom and dad were pretty fucked up after the whole expulsion from Eden incident. And who were they going to vent to? A neighbor? A therapist? A friend? Need I remind you that, at the time, we were really the only four people on Earth. Mom, Dad, my brother, and me. It sucked. And I snapped.

So yeah, I killed my brother, my bad on that.

I really wish I hadn’t done it. But I didn’t realize at the time there were only four of us in the entire world, you know? Like if I killed someone today, odds are WAY more likely I get away with it, even with how advanced the forensics are these days. When you knock off a quarter of the population, people notice. So sure, that was not a well-planned move.

Also, it doesn’t help that God questioned me directly. I mean most murder suspects get questioned by a pair of local cops; some glory-hungry crossing guards. And I didn’t even know it was God. It was just a voice. Again, I’m the third person ever in the world so there isn’t the same amount of reference material. When a voice says, “Where is Abel your brother?,” what the hell are you supposed to do?

I just assumed you couldn’t see some people. The rules of the universe were still very much in flux. Oh, it was actually an omniscient and omnipotent being that was asking me about what I’d done? Yeah, that makes things a little harder to overcome.

Whether you love me or hate me you gotta admit that the whole “Am I my brother’s keeper?” line was pretty good. Your boy wasn’t gonna self-incriminate like some sucker. A snitch is a snitch is a snitch.

But you got God on the investigation and then you also got God as judge and jury.

If I weren’t so trying to show so much contrition and understanding, I would have asked for a mistrial. The whole deck was stacked against me. Even America’s legal system gives similar Middle-Eastern defendants a fairer fight. Nowadays there’d be a whole season of Serial featuring me.

So, yeah. It didn’t work out for me. I was sentenced to a life of wandering. Which is perfect because I wanted to start touring again. And I appreciate you all for coming out here tonight and supporting live entertainment and also free speech. You know they won’t book me at the bigger clubs in town, classic cancel culture. Thanks, Obama.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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