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The NFL season is almost back and if you can feel it in your fingers and feel it in your toes, you probably aren’t Ryan Shazier. For real, football is wildly violent and is quickly becoming an endangered species. When the league isn’t taking away mobility and brain function from young athletes (who mostly come from lower income neighborhoods), its team owners are trying to take away rights like free speech and ability to protest.

Are you having fun yet?

Neither is anyone else. You probably joined the same fantasy football league this year, because it’s what you’ve always done and it’s the only way you stay in touch with your buddies now that they have kids, a dog, or a drug problem. But it’s hard to focus on the gridiron when so much is happening away from it.

Between the helmet rules, the kickoff rules, the anthem rules, and Vanderpump Rules, the NFL is going to be vastly different than last year, so why not join a fantasy league that will be vastly different than last year’s?

Join my 2018 Bizzaro Fantasy NFL League!

Here’s how it works!

You draft a 10 person fantasy team: 1 quarterback, 1 wide receiver, 1 running back, 1 tight end, 1 kicker, 1 defensive player, 1 head coach, 1 team owner, 1 prominent politician (who won a majority of the vote), and 1 Twitter account. Players must be on NFL rosters and cannot be a front for social justice warriors!

Like most fantasy football leagues, you acquire points for various accomplishments. The points are as follows:

6 points for touchdowns

1 point for being on the winning team

6 points for kneeling during the national anthem

4 points for any other demonstration during the national anthem

-3 points for forgetting to take your hat off during the national anthem but continuing to demand players on your team respect the national anthem

4 points for staying in the locker room during the national anthem

3 points for tweeting about the president

6 points for the president tweeting about you (3 points if he doesn’t name you but it’s clearly about you)

-3 points for language that insinuates your players are inmates, animals, or other plantation-ownery dog whistles

-3 points if you’re official team pizza chain removes its CEO because he becomes embroiled in anthem-related affairs

-1 point for a lost endorsement (political, corporate, or both!)

2 points for obeying concussion protocol (points for head coach and player)

-10 points for being suspended for performance enhancing drugs (PEDs)

-5 points for being suspended for PEDs and telling us you can’t talk about how it happened, but eventually the truth will set you free

2 points for every post on The Players Tribune

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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