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Spoilers are hard to avoid these days. There you are, innocently logging into Twitter to chat with your side piece, and BLAM! Someone already tweeted a spoiler from the most recent Avengers borefest, a link to a quiz called “Thanos Killed Half The Universe — Are You in the Alive or Dead Half?”. I know, right? Can anyone say SPOILERS? By the way, here’s hoping you already saw that shitty movie. But if you didn’t, you’re welcome. Saved you like three plus hours.*
Being that we’re in the “Platinum Age of Television,” #Spoilers are a plenty. So we at The Prompt figured we’d give you a heads up on the Best Spoilers of the Summer. These are the best shows that you don’t want to spoil but just can’t help talking about. Loudly. To anybody and everybody.
Oh, btw…#SpoilersAhoy
N. Alysha Lewis – Riverdale
The word best is a little dubious when it comes to the show I’m bringing up today. Most extra would be more accurate. Gather ‘round, kiddies; Mama’s gonna tell you all about the CW’s Riverdale.
My go-to synopsis of this show is “a glorious train wreck.” There will never be a more accurate description. Riverdale is a soap opera on maple-scented Jingle Jangle—a reference you’d get if you watched the show—and it rarely ever slows down.
You may be sitting there thinking to yourself, “Well, how crazy could a show loosely based on the Archie comics really get?” This crazy: a faked death that resulted in an actual death, a pedophilic relationship between teacher and student, INCEST (but not the one you initially think it’s going to be), gangs, imprisoned fathers, Molly Ringwald, and a Latina inexplicably named Hermione.
And those are just SOME of the things that went down in Season One. The second season ups the ante with mistaken identities, a serial assaulter/killer, a car race actively inspired by Grease, lesbians, a serial rapist, religious fanaticism, mafioso machinations, mayoral races, blood-covered heiresses, and a Carrie musical gone wrong.
Y’all. I can barely breathe just writing all that—imagine watching that shit!
But, I can’t keep myself from talking about it. The minute someone even brings it up, I am foaming at the mouth to tell them how it’s horribly extra and how they need to start watching it immediately. It’s over the top, the dialogue is regularly questionable, and if Cheryl Blossom isn’t your favorite character, then you’re doing it wrong. (That sassy redheaded bitch is the greatest thing to ever happen to a television set. I love every goddamn dramatic entrance or exit she makes. Did I mention SHE FUCKING BURNS HER HOUSE DOWN?! Okay sorry, that was a legitimate spoiler . . . But for real, this girl actively burns her house down with a CANDELABRA. It’s amazing.)
I really hope they carry over just a little bit of the soapiness to The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, which will have Riverdale’s showrunner (who wrote the comic series of the same name, so no, it’s not a reboot of the Melissa Joan Hart vehicle, STOP SAYING IT IS). They were originally going to cross over, and honestly, that would’ve been so legit. I can already see Cheryl in a sexy (and red) witch’s outfit . . . #DoubleDoubleToilAndTrouble
Thomas Viehe – The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Listen, I’m someone who hates spoilers. I’m still upset that someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me only a week after it was released. It was still a phenomenal movie and part of me didn’t believe that asshole, but the entire time I was watching it like anyone who watched it a second time: searching for clues, eager for validation, or maybe, just maybe, a surprise.
So let me try to shelter you from some unexpected surprises by telling you about The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Oh, it didn’t come out this summer? That’s a surprise to me. In fact, it was a surprise when I found this little known, award-nominated “television” show hiding in my Amazon Prime subscription. Who even knew that Amazon had good shows? I thought they just canceled them (yeah, fuck you for canceling Mozart in the Jungle, the second-most-awarded show on your middling subscription service). If you haven’t seen Mrs. Maisel yet, prepare to be floored with laughter and excitement. I could detail all the laughs and the best bits, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you. Just go watch it!
Once you’re done, check out Fargo, Mr. Robot, Master of None, Stranger Things, The Crown, Narcos, and The Fall. I could fill a book raving about all of these, but I really should let someone else talk.
Erin Vail – Sharp Objects
Okay, it’s me, here to shout from the internet mountaintop about the greatness of Sharp Objects. I looked forward to tuning in Sunday nights more than any other piece of media, and the show filled me with such a sense of paralysis and dread that I wondered if I would ever not be thinking about it. The performances made Sharp Objects so extraordinary, specifically the leading ladies of the Preaker-Crellin family: Amy Adams as Camille, Patricia Clarkson as Adora, and Eliza Scalen as Amma. Their interactions and relationships were some of the most dynamic and captivating family on TV of all time—rife with resentment, fear, and genuine love. I don’t know if we’ve seen more a complex group of female characters this year.
Sharp Objects was also so much more atmospheric and lived in than many other shows’ construction: I felt so much more when watching the show than anything else. To this point, I felt the show’s core mystery was one of the least interesting aspects, but I did straight up gasp in horror at the finale’s final moments.
Spoiler alert, if you hate teeth stuff (which I do), you’re going to dread the ending.
Spoiler alert, again, seriously, stop reading if you haven’t seen the show: the reveal that Amma was behind the brutal murders was evocative of the horror and tragedy demonstrated by the real teen girls involved in the Salem Witch Trials.
The ending was also a real reminder to not underestimate the power of teen girls, and that sometimes, we are doomed to inherit our parents’ least and most evil qualities. I am still totally entranced by the cinematography, the dialogue, and the gothic ambiance present in Sharp Objects, and I’m hoping the show allows more stories about damaged and strong female characters to flourish.
Ryan Fay* – House of Cards*
I couldn’t give half a shit about #spoilers. Most of the time I’ve already read the book, which was better than the movie, although Ready Player One got the undeserved chance to suck in both forms. As long as a movie or show is entertaining, or I’ve got a solid buzz going, then I’ll still be mildly amused by putting my incomplete Film Studies minor to good use.
If feels like there are some shows that are almost entirely dependent on spoilers, plot twists, cliff hangers, and Netflix’s “Are you still watching?” feature. One particular show comes to mind that I think about almost every day…
Since it turned out that the lead actor was involved in some sexual affairs and tried to cover them up, I won’t directly name the show or actor in the name of not wanting to give them free publicity, but I will show the network some love since they produce great content on a regular basis. What I found shocking about the show was that this character was able to make shady deals, stab allies in the back, prey on the American people by making them feel unsafe, throw his political party’s best interests to the (Siberian) wolves, and still somehow managed to become the president of the United States without a single actual person voting for them. The writers at CNN are insanely talented keep track of all those subplots. I guess House of Cards was good, too, even if it is totally unrealistic. Turns out that Frank Underwood was Keyser Söze all along.
*The Prompt staff that participated in this collaboration want it known that they do not all agree that Shit-vengers: Infinity Shit was a bad movie. Thomas certainly thinks so. Ryan thinks it was not shitty. Without evidence to the contrary, Ryan is a moron.
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