Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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{Vanity} & Victory: A Chance to Thank All the Little People

It’s great to have friends in high places. But having an army of little people crusading for your success? Now you’re talking.
Elijah Sloan
August 19, 2020
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{What If} Marvel Comics Accepted Any of My “What If” Pitches

If you’ve got big dreams and big ideas for big heroes on the big screen, it’s your time to shine. Marvel, how about taking a shot on some of these?

Elijah Sloan
July 22, 2020
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Always a Divorce Lawyer, Never a Divorcé

Till death do us part? How exhausting! As a divorce lawyer, I’ve helped thousands of people walk away from their commitments. When is it my turn?

Elijah Sloan
March 2, 2020
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{Kids These Days} are So Entitled! Commentary from an 800 Year-Old

800 years from now, the generation of blood-slaves forgot the virtue of giving back to their immortal overlords. And you thought Millennials were bad?

Elijah Sloan
November 6, 2019
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{Dinner with 3 People from History:} An Unfair Assignment for Mr. Billingson’s World History Class

What do Spartacus, William Wallace, and Che Guevara have in common? They’re all revolutionaries who would totally HATE school and this DUMB assignment.

Elijah Sloan
July 3, 2019
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An {Interview} with Everyone I Met in Los Angeles Last Week

LA is amazing, isn’t it? Well, if you ignore the traffic, the smog, and the fact that only a minute percentage of people can truly make a living in showbiz.

Elijah Sloan
April 13, 2018
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{Year in Review}: 66 Million B.C.

Ugh, 2017. THE.WORST. amirite? But don’t panic. If past is prologue, then we’ll be totally fine. Right? Just ask the dinos from 66 million B.C.

Elijah Sloan
January 8, 2018
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{2017}: Go Ahead and Scream

Did 2017 make you want to scream? Did you ever just indulge yourself? In this carefully worded piece, we succumb to our primal urge.

Elijah Sloan
January 5, 2018
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{Monsters} on Craigslist: Roommate Wanted (Nocturnal Hours Preferred)

Ready to move? We’re looking for a pale-faced, nocturnal, clean, and professional roommate who keeps quiet. MUST NOT COOK GARLIC.

Elijah Sloan
November 1, 2017
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