Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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A Terrorist Network of {Pet Peeve} Artists

You think you can escape our open-mouth chewing? Our close-talking? YOU CAN’T. This terrorist network is everywhere. You cannot escape.

Elijah Sloan
April 2, 2019
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A {Calendar} Year in The Good Dimension

A humorous take on the events and holidays in The Good Dimension. Come explore an amazing place where nothing bad ever happens.

Elijah Sloan
January 23, 2019
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A Genie’s Guide to {Wishful} Living

Being a genie requires infinite servitude and confinement to an impossibly small living space. Read this guide to minimize your unsurmountable oppression!

Elijah Sloan
November 12, 2018
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Always a Divorce Lawyer, Never a Divorcé

Till death do us part? How exhausting! As a divorce lawyer, I’ve helped thousands of people walk away from their commitments. When is it my turn?

Elijah Sloan
November 2, 2018
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An {Interview} with Everyone I Met in Los Angeles Last Week

LA is amazing, isn’t it? Well, if you ignore the traffic, the smog, and the fact that only a minute percentage of people can truly make a living in showbiz.

Elijah Sloan
April 13, 2018
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{What If} Marvel Comics Accepted Any of My “What If” Pitches

If you’ve got big dreams and big ideas for big heroes on the big screen, it’s your time to shine. Marvel, how about taking a shot on some of these?

Elijah Sloan
February 23, 2018
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{Winning}: A Chance to Thank All the Little People

It’s great to have friends in high places. But having an army of little people crusading for your success? Now you’re talking.
Elijah Sloan
February 7, 2018
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{Year in Review}: 66 Million B.C.

Ugh, 2017. THE.WORST. amirite? But don’t panic. If past is prologue, then we’ll be totally fine. Right? Just ask the dinos from 66 million B.C.

Elijah Sloan
January 8, 2018
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{2017}: Go Ahead and Scream

Did 2017 make you want to scream? Did you ever just indulge yourself? In this carefully worded piece, we succumb to our primal urge.

Elijah Sloan
January 5, 2018
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