Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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{What If} This Cashier Thinks I’m An Idiot?

You know that thing when the cashier says “enjoy your meal” and you think they’re going to say “have a great day” so you say “YOU TOO”? God, I’m an I

Elijah Sloan
November 17, 2017
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{Monsters} on Craigslist: Roommate Wanted (Nocturnal Hours Preferred)

Ready to move? We’re looking for a pale-faced, nocturnal, clean, and professional roommate who keeps quiet. MUST NOT COOK GARLIC.

Elijah Sloan
November 1, 2017
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The Top 5 Most {Underrated} Albums of All Time, as Reviewed by a Human, Definitely NOT a Dolphin

Renowned music critic EEE-EEE-Click-Click-EEE-A-A-A-A rates the most underrated albums of all time. Trust him. He’s a real person. Definitely not a dolphin.

Elijah Sloan
October 12, 2017
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Too Spooky to Try: {Pumpkin Spice} and Nothing Nice!

Pumpkin spice? Here? NOW?! No thank you! How can it possibly be delicious when it’s all orange and spicy and SPOOKY? BLARGH!

Elijah Sloan
September 29, 2017
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Backwards World Orientation: Through a {Mirror}, In Reverse

Well, goodbye there!¬†Wouldn’t you like to experience the world in reverse? Take a peek at your past, which is your future, depending on how you look at it.

Elijah Sloan
September 20, 2017
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The Impossible Task of Motivating the {Robots}

With the advent of AI, robots are practically becoming human. Which is why they can’t stop moping, trolling on Facebook, and watching Netflix now.

Elijah Sloan
September 14, 2017
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{Comfort Zone} to Twilight Zone: The TV Scripts You’ve Never Seen

From the creators of The Twilight Zone. We unearthed the unedited, totally raw scripts from the never-produced The Comfort Zone TV show. It was, eh alright.

Elijah Sloan
July 26, 2017
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Fantasto-Man Speaks Out: Why It Sucks to Have {Superpowers}

Ugggh, having superpowers is SO EXHAUSTING. So much to do, so many expectations. I just wish I could be like you regular people.

Elijah Sloan
June 2, 2017
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{Misanthropy} Foundation: Making Life Harder for Idiots on This Planet

The Misanthropy Foundation’s president offers remarks on a year of stunning accomplishments in degrading life for all of humanity.

Elijah Sloan
May 19, 2017
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