Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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{Year in Review}: 66 Million B.C.

Ugh, 2017. THE.WORST. amirite? But don’t panic. If past is prologue, then we’ll be totally fine. Right? Just ask the dinos from 66 million B.C.

Elijah Sloan
January 8, 2018
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{2017}: Go Ahead and Scream

Did 2017 make you want to scream? Did you ever just indulge yourself? In this carefully worded piece, we succumb to our primal urge.

Elijah Sloan
January 5, 2018
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{Always a} {Divorce Lawyer}, Never a Divorcé

Till death do us part? How exhausting! As a divorce lawyer, I’ve helped thousands of people walk away from their commitments. When is it my turn?

Elijah Sloan
December 13, 2017
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{Me Against} {the Planet}: Punching, Murder, and Vengeance (in that order)

THE PLANET IS OUT TO GET ME. And I’m not just going to stand here while it plots against me and my family. I’m coming out punching.

Elijah Sloan
December 1, 2017
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{What If} This Cashier Thinks I’m An Idiot?

You know that thing when the cashier says “enjoy your meal” and you think they’re going to say “have a great day” so you say “YOU TOO”? God, I’m an I

Elijah Sloan
November 17, 2017
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{Monsters} on Craigslist: Roommate Wanted (Nocturnal Hours Preferred)

Ready to move? We’re looking for a pale-faced, nocturnal, clean, and professional roommate who keeps quiet. MUST NOT COOK GARLIC.

Elijah Sloan
November 1, 2017
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The Top 5 Most {Underrated} Albums of All Time, as Reviewed by a Human, Definitely NOT a Dolphin

Renowned music critic EEE-EEE-Click-Click-EEE-A-A-A-A rates the most underrated albums of all time. Trust him. He’s a real person. Definitely not a dolphin.

Elijah Sloan
October 12, 2017
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Too Spooky to Try: {Pumpkin Spice} and Nothing Nice!

Pumpkin spice? Here? NOW?! No thank you! How can it possibly be delicious when it’s all orange and spicy and SPOOKY? BLARGH!

Elijah Sloan
September 29, 2017
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Backwards World Orientation: Through a {Mirror}, In Reverse

Well, goodbye there!¬†Wouldn’t you like to experience the world in reverse? Take a peek at your past, which is your future, depending on how you look at it.

Elijah Sloan
September 20, 2017
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