Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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{Kids These Days} are So Entitled! Commentary from an 800 Year-Old

800 years from now, the generation of blood-slaves forgot the virtue of giving back to their immortal overlords. And you thought Millennials were bad?

Elijah Sloan
November 6, 2019
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{Dinner with 3 People from History:} An Unfair Assignment for Mr. Billingson’s World History Class

What do Spartacus, William Wallace, and Che Guevara have in common? They’re all revolutionaries who would totally HATE school and this DUMB assignment.

Elijah Sloan
July 3, 2019
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Two Truths and a Lie

Two truths and a lie is just a game, right? Just an icebreaker? Well, somebody better call HR. This dude just took it to the next level.

Elijah Sloan
June 12, 2019
Wildcard
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{What If} This Cashier Thinks I’m An Idiot?

You know that thing when the cashier says “enjoy your meal” and you think they’re going to say “have a great day” so you say “YOU TOO”? God, I’m an I

Elijah Sloan
April 23, 2019
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A Terrorist Network of {Pet Peeve} Artists

You think you can escape our open-mouth chewing? Our close-talking? YOU CAN’T. This terrorist network is everywhere. You cannot escape.

Elijah Sloan
April 2, 2019
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A {Calendar} Year in The Good Dimension

A humorous take on the events and holidays in The Good Dimension. Come explore an amazing place where nothing bad ever happens.

Elijah Sloan
January 23, 2019
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A Genie’s Guide to {Wishful} Living

Being a genie requires infinite servitude and confinement to an impossibly small living space. Read this guide to minimize your unsurmountable oppression!

Elijah Sloan
November 12, 2018
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Always a Divorce Lawyer, Never a Divorcé

Till death do us part? How exhausting! As a divorce lawyer, I’ve helped thousands of people walk away from their commitments. When is it my turn?

Elijah Sloan
November 2, 2018
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An {Interview} with Everyone I Met in Los Angeles Last Week

LA is amazing, isn’t it? Well, if you ignore the traffic, the smog, and the fact that only a minute percentage of people can truly make a living in showbiz.

Elijah Sloan
April 13, 2018
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