Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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Fantasto-Man Speaks Out: Why It Sucks to Have {Superpowers}

Ugggh, having superpowers is SO EXHAUSTING. So much to do, so many expectations. I just wish I could be like you regular people.

Elijah Sloan
June 2, 2017
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{Misanthropy} Foundation: Making Life Harder for Idiots on This Planet

The Misanthropy Foundation’s president offers remarks on a year of stunning accomplishments in degrading life for all of humanity.

Elijah Sloan
May 19, 2017
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Demon Guards Lost {Circle of Hell}, Is Confused What You Did to Get Here

Grathazzulgar is a weird little demon, responsible for guarding your Circle of Hell. And whatever you did must have been pretty weird to get sent here.

Elijah Sloan
May 1, 2017
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{Kids These Days} are So Entitled! Commentary from an 800 Year-Old

800 years from now, the generation of blood-slaves forgot the virtue of giving back to their immortal overlords. And you thought Millennials were bad?

Elijah Sloan
April 21, 2017
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Todd’s Facebook Profile Pictures: A Retrospective on {Self-Portraits}

Todd Guberman is deleting his Facebook. For real this time. We reflect on the impact his profile pics leave on the art world. We’ll miss you, Todd.

Elijah Sloan
March 27, 2017
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Lonely Jim’s Amateur Guide to {Dark Chocolate}

After the divorce, all Jim has left is a blog and his taste for dark chocolate. He’s not feeding a sweet tooth. Jim’s here telling the bitter truth.

Elijah Sloan
February 27, 2017
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{Dinner with 3 People from History:} An Unfair Assignment for Mr. Billingson’s World History Class

What do Spartacus, William Wallace, and Che Guevara have in common? They’re all revolutionaries who would totally HATE school and this DUMB assignment.

Elijah Sloan
February 7, 2017
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{Two Truths and a Lie}

Two truths and a lie is just a game, right? Just an icebreaker? Well, somebody better call HR. This dude just took it to the next level.

Elijah Sloan
January 16, 2017
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Secret Lovers: A {Celebrity Crush} on the Unknown

You know what’s hotter than being hot? Being completely unknown. Some celebrity crushes—like Banksy, the Zodiac Killer, and the Monster with 21 Faces—are better off mysterious.

Elijah Sloan
December 16, 2016
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