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I was 30 years old before I figured out what to do with my hair, an embarrassingly late age. I envy people who figured out their hairstyles early in life. People like Mark Davis, who I imagine live a carefree existence. How many times have they been able to say, “The usual,” while sitting in that chair, no anxious uncertainty squeezing their hearts like a vice.

Not me. Here are a list of my follicle trials and tribulations.

Bowl Cut

Bowl Cut w/ Middle Part a la JTT or Devon Sawa

Pink mohawk (2 times)


Buzz cut (not a skinhead)

Buzz cut, self-administered, the night before my high school graduation ceremony


Whatever this haircut, for boys whose parents have no imagination/desire for their child to be cool:

The I’ve-been-too-lazy-to-find-a-barber-in-the-7-months-since-I’ve-moved-to-this-city shaggy

Gelled so it stood up in the front (another 90s classic):

Bleach blonde hair

Dyed red

Dyed black

Dyed dark blue, because I messed up the black hair dye

Magenta bangs, because my friend had extra hair dye

My-girlfriend-in-high-school-said-I-would-look-good-with-long-hair shaggy

Aughts Hitler Youth-Pompadour mash-up (current):

Dennis William

Dennis is an aspiring English teacher and still listens to ska music. He lives in DC, which is fine.

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