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I was 30 years old before I figured out what to do with my hair, an embarrassingly late age. I envy people who figured out their hairstyles early in life. People like Mark Davis, who I imagine live a carefree existence. How many times have they been able to say, “The usual,” while sitting in that chair, no anxious uncertainty squeezing their hearts like a vice.

Not me. Here are a list of my follicle trials and tribulations.

Bowl Cut

Bowl Cut w/ Middle Part a la JTT or Devon Sawa

Pink mohawk (2 times)


Buzz cut (not a skinhead)

Buzz cut, self-administered, the night before my high school graduation ceremony


Whatever this haircut, for boys whose parents have no imagination/desire for their child to be cool:

The I’ve-been-too-lazy-to-find-a-barber-in-the-7-months-since-I’ve-moved-to-this-city shaggy

Gelled so it stood up in the front (another 90s classic):

Bleach blonde hair

Dyed red

Dyed black

Dyed dark blue, because I messed up the black hair dye

Magenta bangs, because my friend had extra hair dye

My-girlfriend-in-high-school-said-I-would-look-good-with-long-hair shaggy

Aughts Hitler Youth-Pompadour mash-up (current):

Dennis William

Dennis is an aspiring English teacher and still listens to ska music. He lives in Portland, Oregon, which is fine, just not in the same way that DC is fine.

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