No one over the age of 43 is named Zach.
Eating things off the ground is good for you.
Everyone in Rhode Island is a firefighter or the sibling of a firefighter, unless they are a cop.
Social media is lowering the divorce rate but increasing the number of couples who stay together but shouldn’t.
I am always on the cusp of diagnosable scurvy.
There is no such thing as a “supertaster.”
If I took a 23andMe test, which I WILL NOT, I would be significantly Ukranian.
Only men who’ve thought about having sex with other men will look away after making male-male eye contact.
Listening to a single genre of music will eventually lead to PTSD.
Twitter intentionally suppresses my tweets because someone who works there is jealous.
The top selling jersey for every NFL team belongs to a white player.
There are fewer than a thousand oaks in Thousand Oaks.
The more hashtags a person uses, the more likely they are to drive away after hitting a parked car.
Gerbils are hamsters.
Optometrists are low-skilled shysters who’ve lobbied their way into lucrative professions thanks to unnecessary regulations and restrictions on the sale of glasses / contacts.
When I die, it will be because of a shark.