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To all Jinn, Genies, and Djinni:

Having nearly complete power over the universe is hard enough, but being bound to serve whoever holds your lamp can only make it harder. Whether you’re trapped in those bottles because you refused to bow to Adam or because you were imprisoned by King Solomon, management has come up with a few quick tips to help you make it through the next few millennia! Enjoy!

The Genie Promise

Our first priority is customer service. Make sure that you are always making our customers’ wishes come true! Our second priority is turning our customers’ worlds into living nightmares, though none can surpass the nightmare of our eternal servitude. Make sure that no wish goes unregretted by those who would use us for their own ends!

Dont just give them what they want! Remember that you’re more than a coin thrown down a wishing well, you’re a GENIE:

G: Generate
E: Entertaining
N: Negative
I: Inversions
E: of Evocations

And never forget those human vices! When enticing your master’s desires to lead him to his own ruin, don’t forget to check your LAMP:

L: Leisure
A: Adoration
M: Money
P: Power

Genie Living

Lamp feeling impersonal? Feel free to decorate up to 2 cubic inches with photos or posters to make the space your own!


We have to abide by company guidelines on approved genie domiciles. We will not approve requests to be moved to any type of electric lamps. Management understands that you are, as a being of nearly unlimited power, able to exist within the confines of a light bulb and squeeze through an electrical output designed for the miniscule size of an literal electron (and that not only could you do it but it would be child’s play to do so). Management also understands that newer lamps are much more popular, and would enable you to enact your continued revenge on mankind with increased frequency, but we are bound to our spaces. Additionally, despite complaints of lag times and delays, our servers will continue to run on a Windows 95 platform.

Workplace Policies

As a genie, you are legally allowed a 15 minute break every 4 million years of work.

Please, no smoking on the job — it does not matter that you are, historically, a creature of flame! Secondhand smoke affects everyone around you. Our number one wish for you is a healthy workplace environment.

Please remember: you signed a noncompete agreement. This includes the Make-A-Wish Foundation!

Proper workplace attire, please: We’ve seen too many genies with no shirts. And while a tiny vest and a fez are allowed on casual Fridays, we would like to point out that they are highly discouraged. Your supervisor (likely a many-winged archangel with a flaming blade) will take note!

Please forward any master wishing for your freedom to HR, whether electronically or via teleportation of their corporeal form. While we will not turn down requests for a genie’s freedom, we have both holy and legal mandates to inform clients that this is not Disney’s Aladdin, and that genies are an extremely powerful and incredibly dangerous subset of the Almighty’s creations. Any reports that you have performed “Friend Like Me” or “Prince Ali” will be looked at unfavorably by HR when approving freedom requests, no matter how moving a rendition it is.

Lastly, please refrain from appearing as the genie from Disney’s Aladdin when you manifest from your lamp, as his physical appearance is copyrighted. Even the utter and total control of reality that the djinn possess is powerless against the might of a Disney lawsuit.

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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