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In-n-Out is famed for its secret menu items, ranging from burgers and fries served “Animal Style” to the bun-less “Flying Dutchman.” And that’s cool: It’s part of the quirky, mildly offbeat charm we attribute to In-N-Out. But were you aware that other fast food restaurants have secret menu items no less fascinating and enticing? It’s true. I’m here today to educate you regarding all sorts of secret menu items that you’ll be able to show off on Instagram to your less-educated peers.

1. McDonald’s “Defibrillator”

A dish as simple as it is delicious, any post containing a photo of the Defibrillator is sure to get a second look… and a second like! (Yes, your followers will be so confused that they will like it, unlike it, and then, ultimately, like it once more.) A Defibrillator deliciously consists of a Big Breakfast tray filled with chocolate sauce, followed by a crown of two apple pie “paddles” thrown in for good measure. A perfect snack for those of us who have been skipping the gym, as the amount of sugar contained within will force you to exercise immediately after its consumption or die, like a hummingbird in reverse.

2. Wendy’s “Holy Ghost” Baconator

While Baconator and Son of Baconator are poised and ready to handle the majority of your savory cravings, Wendy’s is more than equipped to give you the third aspect of this delicious trinity if need be. Enter the Holy Ghost Baconator: Two pancake-sized beef patties covered in a crisp latticework of bacon strong enough to support the unleavened, two inch-thick top bun. While decidedly Lent-unfriendly, one can’t help but feel a little closer to the Almighty with each bite.

3. Domino’s Pizza “Cheetah Style”

For the mere cost of a paper Abe Lincoln on top of your order, Domino’s Pizza employees have been trained to fold a half-pound of pepperoni into your pizza’s dough, and the results are as delicious as you’d expect them to be. Word of warning: Have the cook check to make sure the pizza oven being used is manufactured by Shautwaffle, and an L302 model or later. They are the only pizza ovens specifically designed and tested to handle that volume of commingled beef and pork grease. A Galveston Domino’s franchise tried this using a Machenbehrn 12 oven, and the place went up like a tinderbox. Please, be safe.

4. KFC’s “Monument to Folly”

KFC understands cravings. That’s why, for $9.99 (plus tax) and a whispered “one m to f, please,” your friendly KFC clerk will hurl a softball-sized ball of mashed potatoes into the bottom of the frier, roll it back and forth with a wooden cooking spoon (not unlike a dung beetle plying its trade) so that it absorbs all of the bits of skin that have collected at the bottom, then serve you this Mexican fried ice cream-like concoction in an unmarked paper bag with the aforementioned spoon as an eating utensil. It’s a race to see if you can consume the entire affair before it soaks its way through the bag. You can do it!

5. Taco Bell’s “Kenny Cloggins”

Think of it as a root beer float that’s keto-friendly. I have channeled my inner Vanessa Williams and saved the best for last. The Kenny Cloggins is every bit the “ride into the danger zone” that its namesake promised, that will having you muttering to your friends, “I’m alright” through the bathroom door… unless, of course, you aren’t. A 72-ounce large cup is filled to the brim with nacho cheese and then topped off with a heaping scoop of taco meat. Much like a Wendy’s Frosty, it’s served both with a straw and a spoon, presenting a gastric choose your own adventure to which there is no wrong answer.

Are there any items I missed which you’d like to see added to this list? There are rumors of an “amber ice cream” being rolled out in Memphis-area Burger Kings, which allegedly consists of a stick of butter fed through the soft serve machine. If any of you readers can substantiate that one, I think we’d all appreciate it.

John Papageorgiou

John hosts a long running comedy radio show titled Papa's Basement. He also performs standup and improv and drummed once for a Unitarian church.

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