Zach Straus emailed a few of our writers. “I was thinking about how easily ‘triggered’ I / people are by MAGA hats, but really, there are a ton of hats that fill me with rage.”
Man Repeller went ahead and called baseball hats the new t-shirts so at least our millennial frailty is on-trend. Without further ado, the caps that hurt our feelings the most.
Ever see someone with a University of South Carolina hat? I bet you have. I bet it didn’t say University of South Carolina on it. I bet it just said COCKS right across the forehead.
The guy wearing it? I bet he didn’t go there. It’s not a particularly tough academic school, but I bet he couldn’t get in. I bet he missed a whole bunch of days in high school when he had to live at his aunt’s house for an undisclosed reason. I bet he thinks creative writing is gay. I bet he has a pocketful of Rohypnol. I bet he just called your friend Erin “a total smokeshow” and started following her around your backyard party.
Not only do Patriots hats basically represent the NFL equivalent of a MAGA hat, they also can be deceptive. I’ll see one in public from far away and—because of the colors—I’ll get excited and think maybe it’s a Bills hat. But no. It’s a dumb, stupid Patriots hat.
Every variation of the Patriots logo is awful. The weird, swooshy triangle head? PASS. The full bodied Patriot representing a center? Why do we have to look at this? Patriots hats are a reminder of the Tom Brady-based oppression we have struggled against as a society over the past 15 years. If you’re wearing a Patriots hat in one of your online dating profile photos, I will swipe left. Blegh.
Undoubtedly, there are certain dumb hats that make sense at certain dumb times, but the red Mount Gay Rum cap never makes sense at any time. The hats are popular with the sailing community, the southern private school community, and, I’m guessing, the MAGA-youth community. Perhaps a symbol of status, that faded red cap really only tells me you are impressed by symbols of status.
By the way, has anyone ever see Mount Gay Rum or are they just a hat company targeted at Lexus drivers, Clemson graduates, and anyone who has googled “Barack Hussein Obama”?
Those friggin’ big, floppy beanies that look like the rubber nipple from a baby bottle, except made from a poly-cotton blend.
Like, I get it, your car probably smells like weed and you have multiple custom (but unused) skateboard decks. I know you want a look that says all that and more. But could you please wear a hat that doesn’t make me wonder if maybe your head shrunk over time and you’re just too lazy to replace all your beanies? It’s all I ask.
D’Jais, or the Jersey Shore’s San Junipero, is not just a night club, it’s a way of life. Also, it’s not just a night club, it’s a day club too, offering stiff drinks during Breakfast Bingo and full-on THOT apparel as early as 3 P.M. It’s like nowhere you’ve ever been, because it’s everywhere you’ve ever been reduced into 8,000 square feet, with pea green walls and ceilings the bouncers practically scrape their heads on. High moments receive a blast from an air horn, which cuts through the throbbing basslines of songs like “Show Me Love” by Robin S and the house remix to Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”
These magic moments are all happening within 50 yards of your “friend” who “stopped being fun” a few years ago when she “got married” to that “guy she met on JDate” applies sunscreen to the little noses of her 3 kids. What I’m saying is, D’Jais Bar & Grill has an ocean view, and you definitely want a souvenir.
And while you can certainly buy a D’jais hat, that would make you a Grade-A poseur; a true D’Jais loyalist knows one must be earned. That’s why I rue the day I earned mine, selecting a snapback inspired by the 17 vodka-crans I’d sucked down that day.
Just a few weeks later, Donald Trump put in a call to his Chinese factory friends and began pumping out hats in the same shade of rude red. My earned prize has been relegated to the back of my closet because I’d rather die than look the MAGA type. I hate that hat. I hate all red hats now.
Nice The Masters hat.
I get it. You’re a man. You’re 45 and you still go on a Spring Break trip with your “boys.” You’ve never been in a fight but still assume you would win any fight. You love laughing at (but not telling) racist jokes. You’re never more than 7 feet away from a pair of sunglasses. You couldn’t point to to any country that ends in “—ria” on a map. There’s a 75 percent chance you think the Civil War was about something other than slavery. You’ve never once read a novel.
I want to tell you about a “hat” few people are aware of. In math and physics some people use a caret (^) to decorate variables as a way to indicate that said variables are special. So you might see some variables written as below:
People refer to these variables “x-hat”, “y-hat”, and “z-hat”.
But personally, I think it’s a typesetting monstrosity. It’s clunky and unclever. And when people use it with letters that are dotted, it really starts to go off the rails. Allow me to introduce you to the “i-hat” and “j-hat” vectors:
I mean, what’s next? Variables with emojis on top?
I have a problem where I assume that if a person does, says, or wears something that is unique but not too blatantly weird, it must be an affectation. I regularly have thoughts like That man doesn’t really think those Pince-nez glasses look good, he got them specifically to look different and draw attention, as though I didn’t employ that same thought process when selecting my Barbarella jean jacket. It is an absurd bias that I should root out of my brain. Logically I know that other people aren’t really trying too hard, and even if they are, what’s it to me?
Having said all of that, your beret makes you look like a fucking dork.
What purpose does that serve? It doesn’t keep the sun off your face, because there is no bill or brim. If your head is cold, maybe you’ve seen people wearing beanies and stocking caps? When brainstorming reasons why someone would want a beret, I only come up with a few: They want to be an artsy Zooey Deschanel-type, they believe that they are kindred spirits with Jean Claude van Damme (or fancy Marines), or they want everyone to know that they want to go to France.
I’ve also been told by my editor that I have a real problem with fedoras.
You know who used to wear fedoras? Cool dudes like Humphrey Bogart, guys in zootsuits, and gangsters. You know who wears them now? Edgelords in fingerless gloves with katana displays. There has never been a bigger fall from grace. In 2019 fedoras are worn exclusively with T-shirts.
I used to go to the beach a lot as a kid. Aside from my mom’s umbrella, my brother and I were both given bucket hats to protect us as we frolicked in the sand. My brother looked so adorable in his bucket hat because his head was so small and the bucket hat was so floppy. I love the bucket hat on children, it is absolutely precious. But I hate bucket hats on grown humans: They look utterly ridiculous.
Hey, dude with your drooping pants and unwashed, scraggly hair poking out from under your bucket hat, you are a SCRUB! You look like you should be arrested by the fashion police and banned from my eyesight.
Hey, Instagram influencer with your tiny glasses and your bucket hat—it’s 2019. You don’t have to do this. You can take off the fanny pack. You can buy sunglasses that fit your face. And the bucket hat does not have to be your new statement piece. Grab a baseball cap or a sunhat. You’re going to get wrinkles from squinting in those tiny glasses that for some reason you will not leave in 1999.