What’s that? You wanted my self-important list of ten pet peeves? Awesome, enjoy!
Look, if you fuck with the autistic bull, you’re gonna get the autistic horns. Don’t smile at me after doing something vaguely boss (do the kids still use boss?) and, with a wink, say “As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a gangster.” That isn’t how Goodfellas starts. Put in the time. Get in a triple-digits number of viewings of the material, or get out of my face.
It’s disrespectful. If you’re beyond five minutes late, just turn around. You know who can’t get somewhere on time? A child. Because they can’t drive. And have stubby little legs which provide a top land speed of like one mile per hour.
Because they’re delicious. There’s a reason every comfort food known to man is comprised of nothing but carbs as a vessel for fats, salts, and additional sugars. No one has ever eaten comfort crudités. Maybe bin Laden. That’s the company you want to keep?
Apparently, this has to do with some sort of fire retardant mixed into the plastic that has oxidized over time. It has afflicted my childhood Super Nintendo and is a perfect metaphor for the unfairness of life and mortality. Which I didn’t sign up for when I asked for one as a kid: I just wanted to ride Yoshi around and make him eat things.
No. Just no. Trust me, I am a proud citizen of Man-Boy-sylvania, and I can enjoy these movies, but they’re fundamentally ridiculous. “I punch people and wear a skin-tight bodysuit that I probably can’t even fart in without getting it all up in my nose and mouth, much less drop a comfortable deuce if the need arises.” Yeah, that’s my standard for art. Everyone depicted in Schindler’s List wore outfits they could fart in. That’s why it got all those Oscars.
You don’t itch your skin; you scratch it. One is a sensation, the other an action taken to relieve that sensation. Who raised you? My mom ruined my childhood by drilling me on math and vocab like she was a first-generation immigrant from Chengdu, but at least I know the difference between these two fundamentally different words. Do you eat hungry when you’re food? Imbecile.
Thunder is a noise. Lightning causes it. If you say “I saw thunder,” the only acceptable way to end that sentence is with the words “streak down from the Heavens and rip my body asunder. I’m speaking to you from beyond the grave. From Hell. From stupid-person Hell.” Otherwise, I’m gonna be pissed.
Maybe I’ve seen Star Wars too many times but, sometimes, I walk into a dark bathroom and don’t flick on the light because I want to piss pretty much using the Force. If Luke could sink a proton torpedo in a six-foot hole, I can land a half-centimeter of piss in a 12-inch toilet, right? You’d be amazed how often the answer to that is “no.” When you’re half asleep, let go of a real strong jet and don’t hear the immediate sound of it meeting water, boy, that’s a panic.
Everything any of us have ever worked for, ever desired, ever thought, will ultimately be nothing. Even the greatest of achievements are scoured from the collective memory by time, like flesh bleached from the bones of a carcass in the desert. Someday, the names of even Socrates, Plato, Cicero, and Descartes will be completely forgotten. And, while I can try to run from it by browsing Reddit for 14 hours a day as I blare The Office in an ad-infinitum loop in the background, nothing I do will forestall my inevitable demise: In fact, by engaging in similar behaviors day after day, I only deceive my mind into perceiving the passage of time is going by even more quickly than it actually is. The harder we run from the truth, the faster the inexorable end will come for us. Bummer!
Note to editor: This one could be a bit of a downer, so include a photo of a kitten doing something cute. Do not mention the kitten will someday die.
What the hell do you think a pizza is made of? It’s literally crust with a sauce-and-cheese hat. I want to hear you say that you understand crust is not gristle or bone, because I’m not sure that you do. Marilyn Monroe once said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” If crust could talk, this is what it would say to you. Heed it.